On Saturday Oct. 6, I joined the armies of Morlock Enterprises, Comedity, Hookie Dookie Panic, Blue and Blond, Dueling Analogs, Capes n Babes, Easy Skankin’, and Partially Clips on the airsoft battlefield at AirsoftCQB in Manassas, VA. Organized by Morlock’s very own Nelly, we gathered to test our urban fighting skills in team warfare, Army Ants vs. Navy Seals style. It’s probably a really bad idea to give a large group of webtoonists automatic firearms on purpose, even if said firearms only shoot small plastic BBs. But arm us they did. We obliged, formed into teams, and spent the next four hours shooting the shit out of each other.

I’ve never been paintballing and after my airsoft experience, I’m quite certain that I would suck horribly, but I really had no idea what to expect. Paint balls look like they can hurt you. Small plastic BBs? They don’t look so bad. However, when you come to the realization that they are being propelled out of a firearm using compressed air, it starts to dawn on you that yes, perhaps these little shits hurt. Oh do they ever!

I was dumb enough to waltz in there with nothing but cargos and a t-shirt when Jim, from Morlock, greeted me at the door with full riot gear and body armor. WHAT THE SHIT AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?! After getting goggled up and loading my clip, we proceeded to the airlock where we met the other warriors. Got my gun, loaded the clip, met my team, and headed out onto the battle field, a series of structures constructed to simulate an urban environment. Apparently, the facility is normally used to train field officers from various armed forces.

Mere minutes into the first round, I was shot. You can tell when you get shot because it hurts like a mother fucker. You can tell when other people get shot because you can hear them yell “MOTHER FUCKER!” It’s a stinging pain that penetrates your epidermis to hurt your soul. Strangely, the pain doesn’t last as long as you’d think it should. Of course, I didn’t get shot in the neck like some of our warriors. The BBs will break the skin if they hit an unprotected target. I have a few bloody wounds on my bare arms. But the many BBs than hit my center mass through my flimsy t-shirt only left small bruises.

Clearly, I am not made to shoot at my fellow man. George C. Scott tells his soldiers in the opening monologue of Patton not to die for your country but to make the other guy die for their country. I’m that other guy. You can count on my to be cannon fodder. If you want to draw out enemy fire to determine their positions, I’m your man.

Despite the pain and the bruises and my lack of killer instinct, I had an awesome time. Nothing beats just doing something completely out of your comfort zone with a group of your friends. I’d go back in an instant. I’d say if you are interested in something like airsoft, it’s best to do it with a large group of your friends. If we had gone up against a group of regulars who do this every weekend, I’m sure it would have been much less fun. None of us took it seriously which is exactly the perfect way to try something new.

Major thanks and hugs to Nelly from Morlock for organizing the shindig. I can’t wait for the next one!

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