Giant Particle Collider Could End Us
Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 9:17 am by Jamie
There’s this particle accelerator called the Large Hadron Collider somewhere in Europe that the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) hopes will reveal the secrets of the universe. When activated later this summer, one of two things will happen. One, the collider will produce the Higgs boson which could explain lots of physics stuff that I don’t understand. Two, it could end us. The doomsday theory goes that the collider will produce small black holes that could get out of control and completely destroy Earth. So get those high priced sports cars people. We’ve got until the end of August!
Anyway, reader BonzaiRob sent over this petition to CERN. No, the internet is not calling for CERN to stop. Sure, the collider may make our mud rock go splody, but the internet recognizes that the potential for awesome outweighs the potential for boom. No, the internet wants CERN to mark the occasion with a phrase that will live in infamy!
However, we the undersigned feel something simple will suffice. Upon activating the LHC for the test, we advocate the opening words be “Commence Primary Ignition!”, a call back to the 1977 movie “Star Wars” when the villains destroyed the planet Alderaan with their Death Star…
Further, in the event that the sum total of human knowledge painstakingly amassed over course of history is wrong and the scientific illiterates are correct and this experiment does result in “opening a gate to hell”, “blowing up the planet”, “creating a stargate to another dimension”, or “granting the antichrist newfound powers” etc etc etc then this deliberate link to the destruction of a planet will allow the scientists to claim they knew this would happen and they meant to kill us all the entire time. The ability to still proclaim the experiment a success regardless of the outcome will prove helpful when procuring the necessary funds for the next mega-experiment.
Brilliant!
So far, only 102 people have signed on. Come on people, spread the word! If science ends up doing Skynet’s job for it, we should at least end our existence with some awesome.
[Via LHC Activation Petition]

Pingback: