Why Do Vampire Movies Suck?

The title isn’t meant to be so punny, but seriously, it’s been a good long while since there was a vampire movie that you could go and watch and not roll your eyes. Why is it so hard to make a vampire movie that doesn’t come off like gothy emo fanfic?

There have been a few vampire movies to rise above this mire. Night Watch and Day Watch are excellent examples of taking standard vampire tropes and turning them on their ear. But for the most part, ever since Bram Stoker’s Dracula and Interview With a Vampire, we’ve had some truly horrendous vampire films that all kind of look the same, pale white people prancing around in tight leather. And even those two somewhat tolerable vampire flicks featured lots of pale white people prancing around in tight leather.

Vampires deserve better. It’s time to take the vampire movie to the next level. And I just happen to have a few suggestions on how to do so.

  1. Enough with the brooding emoness already!
    Living forever sucks. We get it. Good lord, do we ever get it. We even get it from Duncan and Connor McCloud of the Clan McCloud! I bet there are a few vampires out there that are like Hob Gadling from Sandman, immortals who love life and enjoy observing how people change and stay the same over the centuries.
  2. Leather is so out.
    Ditch the leather. I mean, sure, it’s a durable material and potentially lasts forever. But the black leather thing is just so boring these days. There must be some fashion-aware vampires out there who wouldn’t be caught dead in last year’s leather. Get some damn color in your wardrobe! You’d think that a person who couldn’t stand out in the sun would crave color and light. Don’t we always desire that which we cannot have the most?
  3. Where are all the minority vampires?
  4. There’s Blade, that big black guy from Underworld, and that unfortunate lady that Aliyah played in Queen of the Damned (ugh). Come on now! That’s just lazy. I’m pretty damn sure a vampire or two out there has got some yellow fever. How about some diversity?

  5. For that matter, where are all the fat vampires?
  6. Alright, so a predominantly liquid diet sort of precludes morbid obesity. But I’m really sick of seeing emaciated vampires throwing people around like being undead gives them super strength. Bullshit. Give us some hefty vampires that can take a punch or two. There have got to be some fat vampires around. And not fat in the Run Fat Boy Run sense (sorry, but Simon Peg wasn’t even close to being fat). I mean, really fat.

  7. Law and Order: VCU
  8. There have got to be some vampires out there with a sense of justice. And after being around for so long and observing people for so long, who would be a better detective than a vampire. Their instincts about people would be extraordinarily keen. I can just see it now, Law and Order: VCU, Vampire Crimes Unit.

  9. Vampire teen graffiti gangs!
  10. If you can only go out at night, at some point during a work week you’re gonna get really bored, especially if you’re a teen vampire. I mean, there’s only so much vampire sex you can have. Why aren’t there vampire graffiti gangs running around throwing burners up on every wall in sight? If little bored suburban kids are doing in, surely vampire kids would be doing it.

  11. Peace and love, man!
  12. There have got to be vampires out there who get really really high to deal with the insanity of living forever. I imagine they have long and involved spiritual talks with each other while getting stoned and listening to the Grateful Dead.

  13. Vampire buskers
  14. Not all vampires inherit mad amounts of cash. There’s got to a be a few vampires out there struggling to make ends meet. A vampire busker would be able to rock out almost any song ever written from any time period ever. And with years and years of practice, a vampire busker would probably kick a lot of ass.

  15. Iron Vampire Chef
  16. So much of their time is spent thinking about and obtaining food. There must be some amazing vampire culinary experts. Who would be best suited to come up with revolutionary cuisine than a chef who has literally tasted it all! Man, I want to eat there now!

I could go on and on and on and I probably will at some point. It’s the new damn millennium and it’s time the vampire flick break out of established tropes and bring something new to the table. Vampires deserve more and we and viewers and fans should demand more.