23 Responses to “Why Do Vampire Movies Suck?”

1. Grimm Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 11:05 am

   1 I hear ya, I hate these romantic vampires. I want some movie where the vampires are like Nosferatu, seriously evil, blood-sucking monsters, like they’re supposed to be. They are supposed to be monsters that inspire fear and nightmares, not these pale little wusses.

2. Wind Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 11:18 am

   2 Has anyone watched Hellsing or the new Hellsing Ultimate? What would you think of seeing a vampire movie more along those lines?

3. Kevin949 Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 11:25 am

   3 You, my friend, should check out the Vampire: The Masquerade gaming world. They could start basing more lore off of that. Specifically your “yellow fever” comment reminded me of this only because there is actually an entire sub-set of the game devoted to asian vampire lore and how they differ from traditional vampires and the like. I’m pretty sure they have normal novels based off of the gaming books as well.

4. Brian Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 11:53 am

   4 You know, a remake of Fearless Vampire Killers could be fun. We need more vampire comedies. Holy shit I have an idea I may have to write down. It involves an elderly 18th century Romanian man who the townsfolk believe to be a vampire, but isn’t, and the hijinks that ensue when a child pretending to be a vampire hunter keeps trying to kill him. I win all vampire internets. Thank you.

5. solkana Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 1:31 pm

   5 Forever Knight: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0103417/ “800-year-old vampire Nick Knight quests for redemption as a cop in Toronto, trying to hide his vampiric nature from the rest of the world. ” I recall Forever Knight being very interesting, but I have not seen it since it first aired. Lucy Lui in Rise: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0389328/ “Supernatural thriller in which a female reporter wakes up in a morgue to find herself a member of the undead. She vows revenge against the sect that put her there and hunts them down.” And I recall this movie actually did suck

6. Burning Eyes Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 2:52 pm

   6 I remember there was some book i saw at borders months ago about “Fat white collar vampire in pre-Katrina new orleans” and had something to do with his neighborhood having new gangs moving in. I had wanted to pick it up but it fell under my radar. Yeah take a look at vampire the Masquerade or Requiem, to get a look at some of alternative life styles. The dresden files (book series) has some of that generic vampire stuff, but does describe some of the alternative (ie white court and Thomas or hints of jade court). None of these are movies but….better then nothing.

7. Jami Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 2:55 pm

   7 Knowing that there’s this alternative vampire stuff out there in other mediums makes it all the more annoying! C’mon Hollywood, you bitches are experts at stealing source material! Steal some of this stuff!

8. torsoboy Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 3:08 pm

   8 Personally, I’m tired of the roaring and animal-like growling. They don’t seem to have different vocal chords than humans, otherwise the way they’d speak would be entirely different. So stop with the lion growling. If a human can’t do it, I submit that a vampire shouldn’t be able to do it. Granted, the roaring is really only in the Underpants movies, but still. I’d like to see Vampires treated (by the film makers) as regular people and then experience some kind of X-Men-like social alienation for their genetic differences. “We don’t take kindlay to no people with funny teeths.” Perhaps have some concerned parents getting their daughter’s teeth ground down or something. Then you can have a REAL reason to get all emo.

9. Kevin Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 6:16 pm

   9 I’ll stick with my vampires from Japan thank you. They always seem to be the coolest. Alucard especially.

10. Zeln Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    10 @torsoboy: Ultraviolet, the crap fest that it was, kinda vaguely touches on the genetic difference thing. @Kevin: Castlevania Alucard or Hellsing Alucard? Because Castlevania Alucard is a whiny little brooder too, but gets credit cuz he takes up arms against his monsteous father. Hellsing Alucard goes beyond your ‘standard western/european vampire’, so much so as to be classified as a blood demon or some such. @Jami: Fat vampire in first Blade flick, Pearl. Gets that way by sheer gluttony, and by not doing anything ever. If an overweight person was turned, I could see them retaining the excess weight (as it has no where to go), but it would depend on the vampire that turned them. As for a culinary master vampire, a lot of vampire lore and fiction implies that vampires become allergic to human food after being turned, so much as a taste can make them violently ill. Also stated is general immunity to narcotics and poisons (save for mustard seed, garlic, plants of the hawthorn, silver, and dependent on the religion of the vampire prior to turning, the appropriate items of faith) they are dead after all. Although if it did, the effects would probably slow to come on, but last very long, due to the minimal bodily functions some breeds of vampires maintain. [rant]One thing that I’m personally sick of is all these new vampires who can walk in daylight. I can understand the holy symbol weakness fading into obscurity, chiefly due to the rise of atheism, and the general lack of the fear of God. But, If their one absolutely critical weakness has been taken away, whats to stop them from dominating the whole flipping world, and killing the hell out of your vampire fighting hero. Look at Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Ol’ Abe basically says, ‘Hell no, we aren’t going to fight them, we’ll die! We need to assassinate them in their sleep. No mortal man could with stand their strength’. [/rant]

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12. Llama Posted: Apr 24th, 2009 at 11:16 pm

    12 As for Vampire: The Masquerade and Hollywood stealing ideas, Aaron Spelling produced “Kindred: The Embraced” based on the game. The first couple of episodes were bad (it IS Aaron Spelling after all), but as you got further into the series it began to kick some major ass. If you can find the box set, totally worth a rental IMO.

13. Chris Posted: Apr 25th, 2009 at 6:42 am

    13 @zeln: In Stoker’s book, Dracula could walk in the daylight… he just had reduced powers.

14. buzzlefett Posted: Apr 25th, 2009 at 10:36 am

    14 You should try the Necroscope series written by Brian Lumley. I really like the vampires in that series because they are truly manipulative and selfish (I wouldn’t quite go so far as calling them evil). It also has people with various ESP abilities and the danger that comes when the two types combine!

15. kiyote Posted: Apr 25th, 2009 at 12:04 pm

    15 You know, I’ve seen all the stuff you mentioned in books. Hell, even most of them were in Anne Rice novels. But for some reason, Hollywood hasn’t caught on that we’re looking for a completely new vampire movie. Goth was SO 80s… @Zeln: I can stand a vampire that can go out into the light as long as it has a decent price. The ancient vampires in Anne Rices novel who could walk around in the day didn’t really bother me because they were in such a minority and they needed some powers that Lestat didn’t have. xD But twinkling for god’s sake? Twilight can blow me.

16. Garth Posted: Apr 25th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

    16 I’m mostly tired of seeing vampires as sympathetic characters. No. To hell with that. Vampires are the undead damned. God has turned his sight from them, damning them for all eternity to prey upon other sentient beings for their survival. Animals don’t cut it. You can’t be a vegan vampire, sorry folks. They are monsters and should be treated as such. Oh sure, perhaps its not their fault that they became vampires, that’s some other prick’s fault. That’s the tragedy of these monsters. But they’re STILL God damned monsters. They’re not human, they don’t even have souls any more. If you must go the whole emo “oh woe is me” thing with vampires, let it be about how they have had their humanity stripped away, not because they’re fucking immortal. We only say immortality is bad because that makes us feel better about having to die. I’ve yet to see a convincing argument as to why immortality is unpleasant. Pull some Black Freighter shit on vampires, and I’ll let you do the sympathetic character. Otherwise make them the blood-sucking predators of humanity that they are. Make being a vampire be a terrifying and horrible thing again.

17. Peter Posted: Apr 25th, 2009 at 8:52 pm

    17 I think you make a lot of valid posts. Its been my opinion that for a long time we’ve been getting a really romanticized view of vampires. Not that it needs to be all doom-and-gloom, but its nice being reminded how dark vampires can be, and its effects. Even though it was horribly translated “Let the Right One In” at least tried to see how a person interacts with a vampire, and really showed a depth of character about it. There’s a lot of room for growth in this area, and I don’t think Hollywood’s gonna get anything out of rehashing the same damn story over-and-over again. Honestly I think the best thing movies could do was show the dualistic nature of being a vampire. Maybe it saved someone’s life, ruined someone elses’. Basically its a mixed game, and that some people accept it, others fight. I think we should just stay away from Dracula as well, he’s been done enough times already; christ, Keanu Reeves was in a Dracula movie!

18. Zeln Posted: Apr 26th, 2009 at 9:53 am

    18 I stand corrected on the ‘Dracula can walk in daylight’ fact. However, the point of ‘fighting them at night will get us all murdered’ is still sound.

19. ELucidarian Posted: Apr 27th, 2009 at 10:16 am

    19 I go back to a couple 80s vampire comedies for a little variety. Once Bitten (Jim Carrey) has the teen angst thing going on, but it’s mostly the angst of not getting laid (remember I said came out of the 80s where all the teen movies were about getting laid). Funniest moment? During the mansion chase scene, the weightlifting vampire henchmen smash through door after door. Finally, this dialogue takes place: Countess: Wait! I have to replace every door you people smash. Can’t you at least try the knob first? Sebastian: [Vampire in front tries the knob and it opens easily] Jocks. Also, there was an odd duck called My Best Friend is a Vampire with a slough of B+ stars including Robert Sean Leonard, Rene Auberjonois, and David Warner (as a misguided Van Helsing wannabe). They’re not great cinema, guilty pleasures at the most, but at least they try to do something a little different than the cliche.

20. Kevin Posted: Apr 27th, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    20 I’m tired of the pretty vampires my self. Back in the original stories vampires were fucking HIDEOUS, due to the fact that decomposition didn’t stop after they died. And there were a whole shit load of issues. Let me see if I remember right: Vampires had magical powers making them closer to a lich than modern vampires as their body was still in the fucking grave and had to be dug up; there were a whole mess of ways to become a vampire, rarely involving being bitten including dying before getting married and a few other crazy ass superstitions; when you staked the son of a bitch there was a whole slew of restrictions on the type of wood you had to use, and you had to make the stake go through the heart/head (it changed from village to village) in one shot, and in case you’ve never tried, that’s what the rib cage/skull are specifically designed to prevent that sort of thing; and they weren’t damned in any way, their souls were just trapped and needed a way to escape (hence the staking). Oh and Dracula? Ugly son of bitch, less because of being undead and more of being from a Slavic nation (where vampires originated) and, as all Victorian Englishmen know, anyone not from England is a horribly deformed ape/lizard shaped monstrosity. And they never had canine fangs, they had buck teeth fangs. Yeah, these guys are pretty fucked up. @Zeln I meant Hellsing. That’s probably as close to a traditional vampire as you’re going to see for a while. Plus he’s really entertaining. I’d like to see a fight between Kenpachi (Bleach) and Alucard (Hellsing) just to see who enjoys it more.

21. Kunoichi Posted: Apr 27th, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    21 At least in Buffy, all the vampires were evil except the two that ended up with souls, and one of them was totally emo, but the other one was cool. =P I get the whole “woe, I must live forever” thing with some characters, it’s usually done very well by Japanese writers. The issue being of course, that on the face of it immortality is awesome, but it’s kinda depressing having your friends die all the time and watching humanity fuck up. (Not vampire stories, but see Leiji Matsumoto’s works, and also Chojin Locke). On the other hand, immortals digging it is totally doable – Vampire Hunter D, for example. I love the idea of a Law & Order: VCU. “In the criminal justice system, the people are protected by vampires, who kick criminal ass. These are their stories.” dun-DUN.

22. McDucky Posted: Apr 28th, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    22 To All the Vampire: The Masquerade people: Yeah, see, the best part of that game is that – eventually – your character loses all touch with humanity and embraces the monster within. At that point, to preserve their way of life, vampires police each other. But it still happens to all vampires at one point – remember, Golonconda is a MYTH. lolz I wish they’d go back to embracing vampires of the Medieval years. They are the ultimate tragedy – they kill those they once loved, they can’t live in the light, they eventually lose touch with all their ability to love, they always hunger for blood (which was viewed as the anima – or soul – of the living) and they never reach their peaceful death.

23. Kaze Posted: Apr 28th, 2009 at 11:49 pm

    23 The best vampire movie I’ve seen in years was called “Let the Right One In”. It’s Danish, and definitely not your typical vamp flick. No capes, no fangs, no magic vampire powers…just a couple of scared kids trying to deal with growing up…or never growing at all.