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Never be an Emo Vampire

Thursday, November 5th, 2009 at 9:59 am by Jamie

I don’t think this song or video are particularly good. But it does articulate very well the many reasons why these Twilight era vampires absolutely suck sweaty donkey scrotum.

Vampires used to kick quite a lot of ass. Even Buffy era vampires were hardcore. You never saw Angel brooding… um… okay, so maybe Angel had his “mooning over Buffy” moments. But he could kick the ever loving shit out of Edward Cullen. Pre-Twilight era vampires were dead sexy, lustfully dangerous, horribly evil. Twilight era vampires are chaste, boring, emo. Where’s the sex? Their clothes are still on, HOW IS THIS LOVE?!

I understood when women swooned over Angel, Spike, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Tom when he was in interview. Those vampires dangerously oozed sex. The ladies couldn’t help but lust after these bad boys. I don’t get the hubbub over these Twilight era wussies. Okay, so glittery shiny things always attract your eyes. But these boring fucks don’t do anything remote dangerous or sexy or evil. They’re boring and a bit stalkery. There’s no denying that Stephie Meyer tapped into something that the tweeny girlies drool over. But damned if I can figure it out.

I guess that’s the point. I’m certainly not the target audience for Blahlight, The Vampire Diarrhea, True Blood, or whatever other wussy vampire shlock is out there ruining the name of vampires. I just hope it doesn’t last. Looking forward to Daybreakers to bring the kick ass back to vampires!

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 5th, 2009 at 9:59 am and is filed under Dumb Ass, Horror, Indy, Movies, Tele. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

8 Responses to “Never be an Emo Vampire”

  1. AvatarWayne
    Posted: Nov 5th, 2009 at 10:47 am
    1

    We went and saw Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant last week(?). It was a lot of mindless fun. John C. Reilly as a broody vamp was great, Selma was great as a major stockholder of Gillette. Total fluff, but lots of good laughs. I wouldn’t waste my time with this Twilight crap.

    Came across an interesting thing on Snopes a couple of weeks ago: apparently Stoker’s vampires weren’t vulnerable to sunlight. I don’t remember that, but it was over 30 years ago that I read Stoker’s Dracula.
  2. AvatarFmF
    Posted: Nov 5th, 2009 at 11:18 am
    2

    It cause the book was written by a under sexed women just like them.Seriously lady go to a high school base ball club and have at it.Compare to all the story vampires are base on there bin no film that bin as bad ass.One story the vampire mythos come from a women who use to bathe in the blood of virgins and that not even Vlad story.It could be a blatant attempt to teach absents.It bin popping up a lot lately in books and movies.It probably only popular cause they guys are good looking from a teen girl perspective.To me he look’s to be dumb as a sack of door nobs.Also they need to stop riping off sailor moon with the sparkly bs.I’m probably going to be more horrified buy what they going to do to werewolves.
  3. AvatarKevin
    Posted: Nov 5th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
    3

    Actually, Carmilla (the one you’re thinking of) was about how lesbian sex is wrong and a woman should always listen to her father, or some such. That’s what the professor said, but professors often have a way of… skewing the meaning of a story. Of course it could have simply been a softcore porn for the age.

    Also http://www.complexactions.com/archive/023.shtml
  4. AvatarHeroPower
    Posted: Nov 5th, 2009 at 7:06 pm
    4

    I know you didn’t just call “True Blood” wussy vampire schlock. Watch the episode where Eric literally rips a guy apart and eats him, and then promptly asks his other victim “Do I have blood in my hair?” and then come back and tell me us how wussy it is. >_>
  5. AvatarFmF
    Posted: Nov 5th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
    5

    Oh no I’m referring to Elizabeth Bathory.A serial killer from the 1500′s.She would torture kill and bath in the blood of virgin women.In an attempt to stay young.This fed in to the vampire mytho’s cause according to people she did not age threw out her life.The blood and internal youth thing.Camilla probably loosely base around this like Dracula was looooooosely base on Vlad Tepish.
  6. AvatarKevin
    Posted: Nov 6th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
    6

    I thought you were talking about a vampire story, that’s why I immediately jumped on Carmilla.
  7. AvatarBonzaiRob
    Posted: Nov 7th, 2009 at 10:43 am
    7

    I think it’s all about depth, and it’s true of all emo crap.

    The kids like the emo music/vampires/attitude/crap because to them it’s deep, but it’s a depth they can understand, and relate to. To the rest of us, of course, it’s as shallow as a puddle.

    These are kids who haven’t experienced anything of particular meaning, either through reading it or living through it. They probably don’t particularly want to either, it’s just a fantasy to them. They’d be too upset by, say, Lovecraft, or actually having a loved one die, to reflect upon the depth of it, and half of the attitude is you realising just how “deep” you are. It would be self-defeating to actually be that dep, because when you are, you don’t give a crap how deep others think you are, or whatever.

    A symptom of kids having it too cushy. God I sound old saying that, but I don’t mean it’s a bad thing. It’s just annoying when it’s inflicted on others XD Better than gang culture anyways.
  8. AvatarKunoichi
    Posted: Nov 7th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
    8

    It hasn’t been all that long from Buffy, yet the gap in depth of story and characters is like a chasm. The difference between teens and 20-something of 10 years ago and of today has to do more with bread and circuses than with life experience, I suspect.

    As far as the vampires go, the inherent problem with Twilight vamps is that they lack all of the critical themes of vampires. They do not tell a story of lust versus love, of dark temptation, or of violence. They are clean and safe and don’t do anything really bad or tempt good people to do bad things or ANYTHING. Well, what do we expect, they’re written by a bored Mormon housewife.

    And while you saw the Angel brood, he was weird. All the other vamps didn’t brood. I mean, when Spike was mooning over Buffy, it was first fucking creepy, and later fucking violent (and violent fucking…).

    Vampire stories are supposed to be exciting and sexy and address the very real issues that people face. Even D of Vampire Hunter D deals with the issues of alienation and isolation, as well as racism and oppression of the weak.

    And vampires do. not. sparkle. in. the. sunlight.
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