Thank God Hanukkah Isn’t XTREMEMAS
Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009 at 10:56 am by JamieEvery year in the DC area, 97.1 WASH-FM plays “Holiday” music from Thanksgiving all the way up until XTREMEMAS on December 25. I put Holiday in quotes because it really means “Christmas” music. Oh sure, Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah song might sneak in every once in a while when a DJ is feeling guilty not being able to find any other holiday with as much shitty easy listening music as XTREMEMAS, but if you’re hankering for “Christmas” music, 97.1 will provide.
I’ve always kind of felt bad for Jews that there wasn’t more Hanukkah stuff around this time of year. But seeing just how fucked up XTREMEMAS is these days, I’m actually kind of happy for Jews. No other holiday has been raped, pillaged, and generally fucked in the eye more than XTREMEMAS. For fuck’s sake, there were XTREMEMAS decorations out in stores in fucking August and September! SEPFUCKINGTEMBER! Kids aren’t thinking about fat Santa. Parents aren’t thinking about XTREMEMAS lists. They’re going back to school! Let them go to school for a month or two before you hit them over the head with your fucking Yule logs!
XTREMEMAS fucking sucks. It’s not about peace. It’s not about joy. It’s not about family. It’s not about love. It’s about buying a whole mess of shit that you don’t really fucking want. And you can’t really help yourself because every fucking day from the middle of August to December stores are flooding your brains with talk of XTREMEMAS lists and getting gifts for your loved ones. But they’re not really gifts. They’re just packages of shit that will clog up your loved one’s small apartment.
It used to not suck. It used to be Christmas. Decorations used to come out right after Thanksgiving. A Christmas Carol or the latest version of it would play in the theaters or on television sometime in December. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, fucking buy some more shit Wednesday used to just be days after Turkey Day when you’d try to stay awake at work after stuffing your face full of foods all day.
This Thanksgiving, I was thankful for Hanukkah. And to a lesser extend, Kwanzaa. And basically every other religion’s holidays that aren’t XTREMEMAS. These other holy celebrations retain much of their reverence and spiritual significance. Whereas Christmas somehow got broken along the way, these holy days have managed to stay out of the greedy little green eyes of marketers and ad execs looking for that extra buck. I hope they stay that way. And I hope someday Christians will take XTREMEMAS back away from the commercial outlets and restore Christmas to its proper place.
‘Cause this shit is ridiculous. ‘Cause if I see a fucking XTREMEMAS tree next fucking August, I’m punching someone in their uvula. Probably the store manager. And their corporate manager. And their company President. All of them. Punched uvulas all. Fuck.
