Sad Bane is Saaaaaad
Were you among the bajillions who went out to see Dark Knight Rises opening weekend? It was a lot of fun. There was a little twist that I should have seen coming but totally got drawn in so it was a big surprise. I can’t wait for the DVD so I can watch all three in a row. I really think this makes an excellent trilogy.
I’ll have to go back and watch them all, but I think the second one might still be my favorite of the bunch. I kind of felt this one took itself way too seriously. Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in the theater and wouldn’t mind seeing it again. But there were a lot of bits that I couldn’t help laughing at horribly.
So for the benefit of those who didn’t brave the opening weekend crowds, I shall make fun of the movie behind the cut.
Alright, these are 7 pretty silly things that didn’t really detract from the overall experience. But they still amused me more than they probably should have.
- Bane sounds like a used car salesman. Yeah, he’s a pretty scary mother fucker. But his inflections and the pitch of his voice always made it seem like he was trying to sell me a late model Ford. You could also mistake Bane for a psychotic circus ring announcer which actually kind of fits. I had to stifle a laugh when he’s introduced in the beginning and nearly lost it when he was speechifying in front of the jail.
- Christian Bale’s mushmouth Batman voice is still hilarious. The only reason people take him seriously is because he has a tendency to punch you. Hard. But without the punchies, everyone in Gotham would be making fun of him. Oh, the “So that’s what that feels like” was particularly bad as well as the bit where he’s trying to tell Selina how to start the bike.
- Climbing, bro, climbing. So this isn’t really fair of me because I know a little something about climbing, but that whole segment with Bruce trying to climb out of the pit wasn’t as suspenseful for me as it probably should have been. There are numerous hand and foot holds on the walls of that pit that would be easy pickings for even beginning climbers. That big ass leap? There’s a ledge that can easily be used for a traverse. It’d be tricky, but it’s doable. Also, why doesn’t anyone climb up the rope to it’s top most point? It’s anchored at or near the top of the pit.
- Face punches. Is Batman seriously the first guy to punch Bane in the face? Also, why did it take him so long to do it? Why didn’t Bats hit him in the face in the sewer fight? It also seems like a pretty poorly constructed mask. It takes one punch to disable bits of it. But you can put it back together just by plugging the shit back in? Why didn’t Bane do that himself? Yeah, it hurts, but he lives with pain. He could have easily taken a step back, plugged one of the canisters back in place, and continued to punch the shit out of Batman.
- Why do the cops chase after Batman when the guy who walked into the stock exchange and killed a mess of guards rides away on a bike? This is a trope that we find over and over again in vigilante super hero flicks that’s kind of lame. Oh fuck, a giant lizard is trashing New York. Quick, let’s chase after the skinny kid who gift wraps thugs for us. Makes no sense.
- How does Bats survive the six mile blast radius? I totes believe The Bat is able to fly six miles out to sea in a few minutes. But I don’t believe that Batman could have survived that explosion the way the shots are cut. If he bailed right when The Bat reaches the beach, I’m okay with that. But they cut to an interior shot with him in the cockpit as The Bat flies way past the beach.
- Selina Kyle is nobody. What do we know about Selina Kyle other than she can wear the shit out of a cat suit and has knife heels? Maybe it’s cutting room floor material, but we don’t learn shit about her past. Bane and Talia get fully fleshed out. Fucking Talia, who isn’t even in the thing as much as Selina! I mean, it kind of worked that we didn’t learn shit about the Joker’s past in the second film. He was more like a force of Chaos than anything else. But Selina deserved some kind of back story other than a vague, “I’ve got red on my ledger.” Shit, she didn’t even get to say a cool sounding line like that.
Like I said, none of these really detracted from my enjoyment of the film. And I think when I see all three together, it’s going to be an amazing conclusion.
Alright, so for those who saw the movie, did anything stick out to you as something that didn’t quite work? Or was this the best goddamn Batman movie you’ve ever seen?