Noah Trailer Leaves Me With Many Questions

I’m not a fan of disaster movies in general and this one about Noah and the flood doesn’t really interest me.  Besides, Bill Cosby’s version is pretty much the only version I need:

Still, after seeing the trailer like five or six times (been going to the movies a lot lately), I’m left with many questions.  All I know about Noah is that he built the arc, that it housed all the animals of the land, and that it floated around to forty days and forty night.  So I’m curious to know what bits are in the good book, what bits have been cobbled together from bible scholars, and what bits are complete fabrication.

  • Noah and his family are Caucasian.  Is this just Hollywood being predictable or is there a historical basis for the ethnicity choice?
  • Why does everyone speak with an English accent when it’s a period drama?  If it’s in Italy or Greece or the Middle East, why does everyone have an English accent?  I’ve seen films that take place in China where they have English accents.  Okay, so I guess it makes sense if it takes place in Hong Kong, but still, the shit is weird.  When The Wire is remade as a period drama thirty years from now, will everyone speak with an English accent?
  • Was there an army of people who wanted to get on Noah’s Arc as the floods came rushing in?
  • Along those same lines, if ALL THE PEOPLE died, did Noah re-peopleate the earth with his family?  Caaaaauuuse that would means some brother-sister lovin’ somewhere along the way.  Or did he bring along a neighbor or two just to keep the gene pool diverse?  Or did some of the people survive?
  • How did Noah feed all of those animals and his family for forty days and forty nights?  Maybe he ran out of food and the unicorns had weak constitutions and they died which is why we don’t have them anymore.  Maybe there was a whole level full of creatures we think of as mythical who all died because they ran out of food.
  • Seriously, where did the food come from?  Was there some kind of bible stove that they could use to cook food?  Or did Noah’s family just dip in to the troughs and eat nothing but grains.
  • How did they deal with animal waste?
  • How did they prevent disease?
  • Could the Arc be steered or did they just float around and hope that eventually things would dry out?
  • How did Noah build this thing?  Did elephants help him move trees and lift things?  Did he hire neighbors to help with construction?  Plowing up a field to turn it into a baseball diamond I can see being a one person operation.  But building a vessel that will house ALL THE ANIMALS can’t possibly be done by your lonesome, at least in a timely fashion.  Noah needed some help.  Now if we believe in crossovers and that Emma Watson is really playing Hermione, she could use magic to help construct the arc.

I think this is why I don’t like disaster movies.  It’s impossible for me to suspend disbelief.  I always come up with annoying questions that will never get answered in the space of two hours.

The scientist who discovers the world ending disaster never explains things in a manner which is terribly satisfying.  The other scientist who figures out how to prevent the disaster always comes up with some bullshit that would never work.  Our charismatic hero is never charismatic enough for me to forget the completely stupid solution to saving us all.  I rarely care about the cast enough to want them to survive.  It’s not that I wish them death.  It’s just that we usually get sketches of characters that don’t give me enough of an emotional hook.  And if you don’t care about the characters, it makes their impending doom much less exciting than it probably should be.

Disaster films are what I like to call demo reel movies.  CG effect companies will use their shots in their demo reels to get more work.  And if you get to experience them in full 3D on a big ass screen, the effects are always amazing.  But as realistically terrifying as these effects shots can be, the stories rarely hold up to that level of awe.  Maybe it wasn’t always like this, but modern disaster flicks depend way too heavily on their effects.

In the case of this film, we don’t have science to lean on which may make it easier to suspend disbelief.  But some of the other questions I have would probably jump me out again.  Even with people I like in it like Emma Watson and Jennifer Connelly, I just can’t get into disaster movies.  Maybe if I pretend I’m watching Hermione and Sarah stuck in some weird ass labyrinth, this might work.