I snarfed loudly when I read this email from reader Tyler Anderson:

So, Uwe Boll’s Postal is a mere week away from its release and guess, just guess how many screens it’s opening on…

What’s that? A thousand!? HA! No, go waaaay lower

150? NOPE, not even close

Nope, not 50, lower still.

4. HA! You guessed it! Postal is opening on 4 SCREENS NATIONWIDE.

When asked for a comment about ut Boll had this to say

“Theatrical distributors are boycotting Postal because of its political content. We were prepared to open on 1500 screens all across America on May 23rd. Any multiplex in the U.S. should have space for us, but they’re afraid… We have even tried to buy a few screens in New York and Los Angeles, and they won’t let us even rent the theaters! I urge independent exhibitors to contact us and book ‘Postal’! Audiences have been expecting the film and I don’t think exhibitors should censor what gets played in U.S. theaters.”

Just another testament to Uwe Boll’s inflated sense of self. Yeah, political content, that MUST be why no one wants Postal. Never mind the fact that its bound to be another TERRIBLE MOVIE BY UWE BOLL that won’t even bring in a third of what concessions bring in on a weekend. Maybe, just maybe this movie will do so poorly at its 4 theaters that Boll will decide he sucks at making movies and quit. I mean c’mon at the very least he’s proven he could go into boxing…

Yes, Uwe, that must be it. Theaters are so scary a’feared…

Of losing money! ZING!

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Here’s Justin Chatwin as Goku looking like he just walked off the set of “Gossip Girl.” Audrey and I get two flavors of CW on our cable-less tele and I swear, the network is a factory for generic emo boys and vapid women.

Anyway, back to Chatwin. Just not feeling this. The only thing I’ve really seen him in was that Invisible movie. He had the same expression throughout the film which is slightly disturbing as I think if you suddenly found out you were a walking spirit, you’d show some emotion other than vacant emo stare. I just don’t see him as goofy, fun loving, slightly demented, Goku. You never see Goku without a big toothy grin unless he’s kicking some ass. And even then, he laughs his way through fights. I don’t know, maybe they’re trying to inject some seriousness into this thing.

Not sure who I would cast instead. Hell, not sure I would even bother making this thing. I always want to see more of Tony Jaa. He certainly has the action chops and I think he can pull off a big toothy grin while kicking major ass. Meh. Whatever. I think I’m genetically disposed to not like this.

[Via Dragonball The Movie]

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Reader Michael Tricksey points out an obvious flaw to the Superhero Registration Act (you know, besides the fact that it’s dumb shit in the first fuck place).

Now, I realize that I might be a lot late with mentioning the Superhero Registration Act, but I just have to say this. What is it, THREE YEARS NOW!!! WHY DO WE STILL HAVE THIS!!!! I know it’s trendy for comics to reflect world events realistically, but sometimes you need to REMEMBER THAT IT’S A COMIC! Am I just not thinking, or should have some major villain like Doom or Red Skull or some random alien threat already KILLED half the Marvel roster. If super-humans have to register, then that means that they have to put their info into a database of some sort. How many super-villains are tech-savvy? How many kids are on the government’s watch list for hacking into their info-structure in REAL LIFE? I mean, relevance is great, but think about the environment. Forget about the Spider men and Daredevils of the world, and let’s focus on the fact that Tony Stark is a drinker, that the Fantastic Four are dysfunctional. These little quirks have been exploited before. Why not do it on a mass scale? Am I really the only one who sees this?

Stark would need to hire a team of super nerds just to work computer security for that database. That thing would be a hacker’s dream come true. Imagine the mad cash some thirteen year old could make by selling even just a small snippet of data from that database. You’d need some sort of software imbued with the power of plot to keep out all the script kiddies, hackers, and crackers.

Also, by creating a superhero agency under government control, that agency is now subject to the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA). They would need to hire an army of legal experts to deal with the deluge of FOIA requests sent by the media and watchdog agencies. Every communique the superheroes send while on duty would be subject to FOIA. Daily activities would be subject to FOIA. You’d have to create this whole cumbersome bureaucracy surrounding your superhero agency. There’d be paperwork, mandatory sensitivity training, swipe cards, procurement, contractors, and all sorts of official mumbo jumbo that would get in the way of the business of saving lives. FEMA with tights.

Oh man, now my head hurts. Maybe this stupid Skrull thing will end the Registration Act. It’s certainly ended my interest in giant crossover events.

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Since the release of Point Break, for the past seventeen years, hardcore fans of both Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze have vigorously petitioned for the two of them to work together again.

That sounds like load of festering donkey sperm I just made up in my brain meats, but it must be true because RGM Entertainment and Essential Entertainment are producing the sequel, Point Break: Indo. The sequel, written by W. Peter Iliff who penned the original, takes place 20 years after Swayze’s character escaped capture.

No word on casting or plot besides the fact that it will be filmed in Southeast Asia. Alls I know is, if Swayze isn’t there and Reeves isn’t there then I won’t be there either.

[Via Hollywood Reporter]

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Since I never heard of the original news story, Mikey D sent along some follow up information to the Stuck trailer. Fox News posted a time line of the incident and the Wikipedia article indicates that it’s been whored out as a CSI episode and a Law and Order episode before heading to the big screen as Stuck.

Crime dramas taking inspiration from real life started way back in the day with Dragnet. There was even an old time radio show, Night Beat, a precursor to Cops where the host rode in a police car along with officers as they went out on patrol. The purpose of these early shows was to demonstrate how scary good the cops were at taking down criminals, to discourage regular citizens from committing crimes, and to entertain. While it could be argued that this early form of entertainment served some kind of educational and preventative purpose, modern crime dramas would be hard pressed to make a similar claim. These days, crime dramas focus entirely on the entertainment aspect. If an episode is inspired by real events, they tend to get sexed up for the camera (although in this case, I don’t think you can get more sensational than leaving a guy in your fucking windshield).

Exploiting real life for entertainment’s sake has proven successful for studios. Reality TV is cheap to produce and brings in gobs of money. And hardly anyone bats an eye when a movie is inspired by real life events. That said, Stuck smacks of sensational exploitation. There’s no message here, no deep meaning, no self discovery. Just a horrible story thrown up on a big screen to grab some cash. It may seem slightly hypocritical of me to be outraged over Stuck when I admit to enjoying a movie series that once featured a woman’s rib cage being torn from her body after she stuck her hand in a vat of acid. Probably a valid criticism. But for me at least, knowing that some sick fuck imagined the “tests” in the Saw series somehow seems much less exploitive than basing a movie on a sick fuck who leaves a man to die in her own garage.

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I should just declare reader Mikey D my bad movie expert. He’s at it again with this gem of a horror flick. This is the trailer for Stuck which comes out with limited release on May 30.

Wow.

The fucked up part? This actually happened in real life!

Hey Jami,
Remember a few years back when that lady who worked as a nurse got all drunk and pilled up at a party, hit that homeless guy, and that guy got wedged in her windshield and she just left him in here garage to bleed to death, and then her and her boyfriend burned the body and the car seat he bled out on, and got caught after bragging about it at ANOTHER party where she got even more drunk and pilled up, and all of America was appalled by the whole ordeal? (Wow… run on sentence much?)

Well now all of America can relive this whole horrific series of events on the BIG SCREEN complements of Holly Wood! Aren’t you just excited? Don’t you love it when Holly Wood makes profit off of loosely basing a movie off real world stuff?
I know I do… horray!

-Mikey D

Had I not known the background, I would have assumed this is some crazy idiot’s idea that got greenlit after a night of drinking and drugging with a studio exec. You know what, now that I know that it’s actually based on a real life story, I KNOW that this is some crazy idiot’s idea that got greenlit after a night of drinking and drugging with a studio exec. I’m not sure what’s more fucked up, the fact that some crazy shit like this actually happened or the fact that there’s a movie that has the potential to kick off a whole franchise.

There are a number of truly horrifying movies based on real life events that make you question just what the fuck is wrong with humanity. Certainly, there’s an aspect of exploitive profiteering that leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever one of these gets made. But the thing that truly bothers me is that there are sick fucks in this world who would just let a man bleed to death in their wind shield.

[Via Movies.com]

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Hawk sent me this early in the morning to start my day. I think the trailer is a beautiful primer on who the Avengers are. Very well produced. Has an epic feel. Then they go ahead and ruin it with this whole Children of Avengers Avenge their Avenging Parents thing. That and I don’t like the character designs all that much. They’re clearly trying to pander to a younger audience. This is obviously not for old coots like me.

Sorry Marvel. I’m still holding out for anime Bats. Thanks to Hawk for the strange wakeup call.

[Via Marvel]

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Lots of catching up on email today. Apparently, lots went down from the time I logged off to today. I’ll try to stick in an Iron Man review somewhere in here because it was full of so much awesome! But first, reader Tyler Anderson sent me this little news about our good friend Uwe Boll:

Uwe Boll is at it again. Posting a completely fake video claiming that Michael Bay has agreed to fight him in the boxing ring. With Boll taking a decidedly American approach to movie politics with the whole “you’ll like me or I’ll beat you up,” a moderator for Michael Bay’s forums had this to say;

“Just spoke to Mike, and it’s false. This guy is really creepy, he’s creeping me out. BTW, Michael has never spoken to him and won’t speak to him. Mike has a movie to deliver for June 2009, unlike this idiot. Boll doesn’t deserve press for his lame movie, so this is the last we talk about him in these forums. This press stunt will tank.”

Oh, and did I mention, Boll claims that this “real” fight will be taking place in Kinshasa, Zaire and that anyone who brings in ten tickets to Postal can get in for free. This guys such a fucking train wreck.

Tyler

All together now!

I don’t understand what boxing has to do with film making. Who cares if Uwe Boll can punch someone? He still can’t make a film worth watching. And who the hell is really going to buy one ticket to see Postal, let alone ten? The thing that really perplexes me is that there are people who do indeed buy tickets to his movies. I can somewhat understand actors willing to do schlocky crap for a pay check, but people paying for schlocky crap on purpose makes no sense (I say this with the full expectation that I will be wasting money on Saw V later this year so I’m probably not one to talk).

Here’s the blogger’s plight. I want to ignore Uwe Boll so that he’ll go away. If no one talks about him, no one will know that he’s making movies anymore. But every time he opens his mouth, it’s comedy gold that must be shared! As of this writing, only 233,719 have signed the petition to stop Uwe Boll so it looks like we’ll have him to kick around for a while. Thanks for the info, Tyler.

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No joke here folks, Uwe Boll really is suing Billy Zane for $700,000. In court papers filed yesterday, Boll claims that Zane suggested Romar Entertainment distribute BloodRayne and that Boll was promised it would open in 2,000 theaters. Boll handed over a $10 million advance for promotions, $900,000 of which was paid to Zane and his friend James Schramm at Romar. Come opening night, BloodRayne showed in only 950 theaters. The travesty went on to earn $4 million worldwide. The film cost $25 million to make. I suspect it hasn’t made up much of that in DVD sales.

If the charges turn out to be true, this is more of an indictment against Zane than Boll. Sure, Boll is box office poison. The only money he steals is form the morons who finance his picture and they’re just double dumb for continuing to do so (I think it has something to do with the German government or something. I think they have major subsidies for the arts. Don’t quote me on that, haven’t done a background check). Sounds like Zane and Schramm picked an easy target who no one would have much sympathy for and grabbed some easy cash. Boll makes it hard to have any bit of sympathy for him. And I don’t. And I suppose you could say that Zane was just looking out for himself because he may have rightly lacked confidence in the film. But that’s some pretty cold shit.

[Via Hollywood Reporter]

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JJ Abrams is producing Hot for Teacher, a comedy about a high school senior’s attempts to have sex with his teacher before graduation.

Wait, didn’t someone already make this movie?

I suppose in the spirit of the teen-quest-for-sex genre, trying to bag your sexy teacher is par for the course. However, in light of all the scandals involving teachers and under age high school students, this kind of squicks me out a bit. Sure, high school seniors are usually eighteen so if there is hot extra curricular nookie, it will occur between consenting adults. But no good can come from such a relationship.

Of course, this is also assuming the lad closes the deal. If there be no hot teacher nookie, this might be much less icky.

The major problem I’ve always had with the teen-quest-for-sex genre is that it usually reduces women to sex objects. That kind of objectification may have been the norm in, well, pretty much every decade. But in the new freaking millennium, it’s time to come up with something new. There are so many other aspects to teen sexuality that are left to explore that could provide endless comedic opportunities. Juno was an excellent subversion of the teen pregnancy angle. I would love to see similar takes on homosexual self discovery or interracial sexuality. There so much more material to mine for hilarity that I get really discouraged when I see the same movie being made over and over again.

Okay, so maybe there aren’t so many student wants to bang teacher flicks out there. But it’s high time to expand our comedic horizons.

[Via Hollywood Reporter]

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