Some people aught to know better. And some people are too fucking dumb to know anything.
“Why would birds do something like that?”
Yes, Natalie, why would horribly animated CG birds do something like that?
So this is Birdemic: Shock and Terror, an indy low-budget horror film tribute to Hitchcock’s The Birds that is so bad, it breaks through the badness barrier to the land known as so bad but SOOOO FUCKING GOOD!
Or not…
I know I’m probably way late to the party, but Angry Zen Minion Psicodelic madness sent along a link to the LOLCat Bible version of Genesis and I shitted my pants. It’s so fucking awesome. This passage in particular made me LOL at work:
At start, no has lyte. An Ceiling Cat sayz, i can haz lite? An lite wuz.4 An Ceiling Cat sawed teh lite, to seez stuffs, An splitted teh lite from dark but taht wuz ok cuz kittehs can see in teh dark An not tripz over nethin.5 An Ceiling Cat sayed light Day An dark no Day. It were FURST!!!1
It should be painfully obvious that I’m not at all religious. But I have to say, if sermons were given in LOLCat speak, I would go. I would wake up early Sunday morning, put on my Sunday best, and go to LOLChurch and laugh my ass off.
Source: LOLCat Bible
Dear Nick Simmons (son of legendary KISS rocker Gene Simmons),
If you are going to plagiarize something, don’t plagiarize one of the most popular shonen manga ever published. That’s just fucking dumb. If you’re gonna copy something because you’re a total lazy hack and can’t draw your own shit, copy something obscure that doesn’t have a gigantic rabid fan base of people who can discover your lazy treachery in a matter of seconds.
Sincerely,
Everyone who’s not a fucking moron.
So there’s this comic called Incarnate published by Radical Comics that’s written and penciled by Nick Simmons. Now there are a couple of other art credits on this book that give me pause like the art assists from this Studio IL. I wonder just how much of Nick’s penciling there is here or if he farmed it out to Studio IL to do the heavy lifting. In any case, his name is on the creator, writer, and penciler credits so he’s gonna get all of my vile hatred.
Listen, kid. You, of all people, should fucking well know better. There’s not a piece of KISS merchandise out there in the world that doesn’t have your father’s stamp of approval. You know why? Because your dad and Paul Stanly jealously guard the KISS brand so that everything with the KISS name on it meets their standards so that when fans buy something with the KISS name, they know it’s good shit. Your father built one of the most financially successful brands in rock history and he didn’t do it by stealing other people’s music. Take a lesson from your father, create your own shit, and then license the living fuck out of it. This is the worst possible way to start your comics career.
Radical Comics has responded to the allegations by pulling Incarnate and contacting the manga publishers of the plagiarized works in question. But the real heroes in this mess are the fans. Because of their devotion to the manga and their love for manga-ka Tite Kubo.
So all you young aspiring comic creators out there, please remember Wil Wheaton’s law. Don’t be a dick.
Source: Bleachness
The Last Dragon is one of my all time favorite films. I know the entire film by heart. I will annoy the shit out of you if you watch it with me because I will quote the entire fucking thing. It is far from a perfect movie. In fact, there’s much in it that is downright awful. But it all somehow works. There’s a strange magic to this movie that makes you believe in the power of The Glow. Now there’s a remake in the works that I haven’t mentioned here at all. It does not impress me. In fact, I predict a big ol’ bag of fail. And I’ve come up with a list of reasons why I believe 2010’s The Last Dragon will suck and suck awful damn hard.
In the original film, arcade owner Eddie Arkadian kidnaps top veejay Laura Charles to get her to play a music video starring Eddie’s girlfriend, Angela Viracco, on Laura’s weekly music video show and it’s up to Bruce Leroy to save her.
I’m not making that shit up.
If that sounds like something completely batshit insane, it is. Arkadian is quite mad and waaaaay over the top. And while it somehow works in this instance, there’s no possible way this plot would work in modern times. First of all, what cable channel plays music videos anymore? And where are all the arcades? And what the fuck is a veejay? Even if the remake is set in the 1980’s, this plot still doesn’t make any fucking sense.
Part of it may be that it’s terribly difficult to see him as anyone other than Sam “Mother Fucking” Jackson. Julius Carry was a relatively unknown actor at the time so it was easy not to get distracted by his star power. Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson and I think that will hurt the movie greatly. For Sho’nuff to work, you kind of have to have someone who’s personality can get lost in the character. And while maybe there was a time that Sam Jackson was that person, I don’t think that time is now.
Besides, he really sucks in these cheesy genre flicks. Snakes on a Plane, he fucking phoned in. The Spirit, he went completely batshit crazy.
There’s no possible way they can recreate this scene to my satisfaction. Never. It just doesn’t work in a modern context and it barely works here. The only reason you don’t chuck the DVD out the window right now is because of Sho’nuff. He’s the biggest reason I love this movie so much. And the remake doesn’t have him. Boo!
So there you go, six horribly biased reasons I don’t think this remake will be any good. If the producers want my money, which is doubtful if they read this, they should open it the same weekend as Airbender. I will pay actual money to see The Last Dragon opening day if it opens the same day as Airbender. I want to see Airbender go down in flames and if that means shelling out money to see a remake that I’m basically allergic to, I’ll fucking do it.
Here we are stuck in blizzard part two and all the local news channels are starting to run stories about what you can do to occupy you’re time while you’re snowed in so you don’t get depressed. And they give you bullshit advice like do some yoga, clean out your garage, get an early start on your taxes. Clearly, they are talking to robots. Were they compiling a list for actual people, it would have much more exciting suggestions. So for the benefit of those Angry Zen Minions who are snowed in, I’ve compiled my own list of truly epic things you can do while snowed in.
So there you go, seven geeky things that should keep you occupied until the blizzard passes and the city digs itself out. Which will be never because we don’t know how to deal with this much damn snow. Feel free to add to the list. It looks like we’re gonna be here for a good long while.
No, I will not be linking it. You’ll be seeing it during the Super Bowl this weekend anyway so you’ll be able to make your own judgment.
For me, this is not a true Airbender movie. It doesn’t at all represent a true translation of the film into live action. It’s sort of bad remix done by an over-hyped hack, sort of like when Puffy does a remix of a song, more a tribute gone horribly wrong than an actual translation. The spirit of the show is completely lost glossed over with shiny ’splosions, glowy things, and that water alien creature from The Abyss. I put the blame squarely on M. Night Shyamalan’s shoulders. He could have told the casting director to eat a full bag of dicks and go get some more brown people (and not just for background! booo!). But no.
I will not pay real money to see this thing, ever. I will not rent it, I will not put it on my Netflix queue, I will not watch it when it comes on broadcast or HBO or Showtime or the airplane. Gauging the initial reactions to this trailer, it appears that this thing will be enough of a financial success for them to make more and that makes me a sad panda, but they will do so without my financial support. Much like Alan Moore, I spit venom all over this thing.
I would like to hear from casting directors in Hollywood at some point. It occurs to me that these people may have more to do with the ethnic makeup of a film more so than the director. I’d like to ask why the casting director for this film chose the people that were chosen. Was this a conscious decision? Do casting directors feel that America is racist enough to not support a film with a predominantly Asian cast? Did they not bother seeing the original show and just cast based on the script? I’d like to candidly interview a casting director and ask them if ethnicity enters in to the decision making process at all or if it’s something they don’t really think about.
Anyway, Airbender equals big fucking fail. The trailer looks more like a special effects demo reel than a movie trailer. Bleh. Boo! Boo I say!
AZM Ally Kensei Dave alerted me to a rumor that DC Comics is considering doing a sequel to Watchmen. Thanks to the movie adaptation, Watchmen has become the best selling book in DC Comics history. And Dan Didio wants to cash in.
There are, in fact, three constants in the Universe. Death. Taxes. Alan Moore’s hatred of DC. So we know for absolute certain fact that Alan Moore will have nothing to do with this project. The question is, will Dave Gibbons? Moore and Gibbons have the right of first refusal to take on any Watchmen comic related projects from DC. Moore is out forever. But Gibbons? Gibbons was all chuffed about the new Watchmen film and even produced new artwork to help promote the beasty. I’m sure he’d love to take another crack at the title. And I think the only way this will not be completely flawed on the internet is if Dave Gibbons draws the thing.
So who’s the poor bastard they’re going to saddle with writing the thing? Also, how do you write a sequel? I mean, sure, there are loose ends to tie up, but by the end of the book we don’t care. Those ends are meant to be open, meant to be left to our imagination. We know that the world will be at peace for at least a decade or two and that it will all possibly fall apart when the charade is discovered. But honestly, those stories don’t interest me. Watchmen is a complete work in every sense of the word. I can’t be told any better as we saw in the theaters. It’s complete. There’s no more. And to have a sequel that doesn’t feel completely forced seems like an exercise in futility.
Of course, it will be a giant hit. The mainstream press will jizz all over this. They’re all secretly giant nerds who love comics and love to cover comics and will make this a great big geeky story. The internet will be loud and obnoxious and quite upset, but the comic-buying public will eat this shit up. Dark Knight Strikes Again sold like hotcakes (I have never ever bought a hotcake. Where does this phrase come from!) even though the internet fucking hated that sequel. Watchmen 2 will be freaking big.
It may or may not be any good. But it’s gonna be big. Are you ready?
Source: Bleeding Cool
AZM Ally Jason Chu sent along Complex Magazine’s list of the 50 Most Racist Movies You Didn’t Think Were Racist. The list is pretty fucking hysterical especially number 8, every Rob Schneider movie! Passion of the Whipping the Shit of Christ makes the list which surprised me. In hind sight, yeah, it was definitely racist against Jews. But I thought the movie made everyone look like crazed aggrandized caricature of themselves, even Jesus. Fucking hated that movie.
Romeo Must Die also makes the list which surprised me, mostly because I really liked the flick. Complex points out that Aaliyah and Jet Li never kiss which makes no sense for a Romeo and Juliet story. I tend to agree. From the moment they meet, it’s clear that there’s romantic chemistry in the air. There should be some damn smooching going on.
Most of these films I haven’t seen or stayed away from because something in my gut told me that I would be infuriated (White Chicks, not a fucking chance). But some, like Pulp Fiction, I found to be quite entertaining despite the overt racism. I don’t know if that makes me a hypocrite, but it probably doesn’t help when I try to argue for more diversity in film.
Source: Complex
I complain quite a lot about Hollywood’s penchant for White washing films. But then they go ahead and do something completely fucked that makes me kinda scratch my head. You may notice Rick Yune up there on the box art for the direct-to-dvd film Alone in the Dark 2 sent to me by AZM Ally Jason Chu. Those of you who had the misfortune of seeing the first film will recall that Christian Slater starred as Edward Carnby in the first one. Now being very clever you, like me, might assume that Rick Yune is playing a different character in the sequel. After all, he is not Christian Slater. Doesn’t look like Christian Slater, doesn’t sound like Christian Slater, probably doesn’t command as big a pay check as Christian Slater. There is nothing Christian Slater about Rick Yune so by transitive property, there is nothing Edward Carnby about Rick Yune.
I see what you did there with your brain meats. If a=b and c≠b, then a≠c, right? Wrong. This is Hollywood in which a and c equal whatever the fuck they want them to equal. Rick Yune stars as Edward Carnby, the same character portrayed by Christian Slater. It’s Yellow Washing! I mean, really. What the fuck, can’t you find a random White dude that kinda looks like Christian Slater?
Now granted, in the grand scheme of things, direct-to-dvd films hardly rank equal importance to big budget features. But I can no longer, in good conscious, claim that Hollywood is always out to intentionally screw minorities. While it’s true that there are more readily apparent examples of White washing major motion pictures, this seemingly random case of Yellow washing makes me think that Hollywood is just plain dumb. I still think there’s an unspoken preference for White actors in Hollywood. Just a brief glance at the shit that’s in theaters right now can serve as evidence of that. But that might stem from sheer idiocy rather than a deep seeded underlying racism.
Then again, there’s the case of Extraordinary Measures. Harrison Ford plays Dr. Robert Stonehill. Turns out the movie is based on a real life case with a real life doctor who is Asian, Dr. Yuan-Tsong. Is this a case of straight White washing or is it something else entirely? Casting Harrison Ford is certainly the draw for this film. Without his star power, would anyone give a shit about this movie? For my money, Brendan Fraser alone just doesn’t cut it. Could this film have stood on plot alone? Could they have cast an Asian as Dr. Yuan-Tsong and still have had a decent box office opening? Is this a movie about the actors or a movie about the plot? Haven’t seen it so I can’t really make a judgment, but I think this story is compelling enough that casting no-name or lesser known actors could have worked. Of course, then it would have probably been in indy theaters where no one would see the thing.
There is another possibility. Perhaps Hollywood is both.
Truth be told, I’ve never watched “The Tonight Show.” I rarely watch any of those late night shows which is kind of surprising since they’re on when I’m usually working (drawing comics and such, not my day job work). I’ve always preferred listening to oldtime radio to the ramblings of late night talk show hosts and their annoying guests. So I don’t really have a dog in this fight.
However, I am vehemently against shittiness. And it seems to me that what NBC is doing to Conan O’Brien stinks of the highest television network shittiness. The funny thing is that now that Conan doesn’t give a shit, he’s funnier than ever. Wherever he ends up, I hope the network suits realize that he’s at his best when he’s unfettered.
Follow AZM on Twitter
