Comic #1

Jam Scale Reviews Archive

The Jam Scale rates movies, television, comics, and other forms of entertainment I see fit to complain about based on ethnic diversity. The scale goes from 1 to 5, 1 being totally devoid of any diversity and 5 being all colorful and integrated. It should be noted that this is not a “quality of the movie” scale. A movie like 2 Fast, 2 Furious scores very high on the scale, but is quite difficult to watch with your brain in the “ON” position. On the other hand, a movie like Little Miss Sunshine scores very low on the scale, but it’s one of the few that keeps me laughing every time. As such, these reviews should be taken with many grains of salt.


Wall-E Saves the Box Office

Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 12:34 pm by Jami

Wall-E 50s Poster

This morning as I woke up, I seriously considered calling in sick to see Wall-E every single day of the week. Unfortunately, I came to my sense. But I seriously love this movie that much. I fully expect to see this multiple times in the theater to obsess over every little detail. Pixar has seriously taken movie making to a new high.

Characters

Wall-E is so freaking adorable. He’s such a hopeless romantic. He looks at everything with new eyes. Even the most mundane object that we might toss away is a new found treasure to Wall-E. On an Earth that is now covered completely with garbage, every day becomes an adventure in discovery. You can’t help but smile at such innocent wonder. And it makes Wall-E instantly lovable.

Eve is the uptown girl who doesn’t recognize the wonder that surrounds her. She’s not really aloof or snobby, just too busy to notice the little things that Wall-E sees. When he finally manages to get her attention, she begins to open her eyes to the world around her. Her laugh just lights up the screen.

The first half of the film is almost a silent movie, but you don’t really need dialog because the interactions between Wall-E and Eve are so real. The eyes of both characters are just so expressive and communicate so effectively. Getting a rusted box and a futuristic iPod to emote is no simple task, yet Pixar manages to make it look so natural and sincere. You’ll forget that they’re computer generated images and grow to love them as characters. Absolutely amazing.

Plot

Wall-E is a romantic comedy and accidental hero’s journey all in one. It’s true, you pretty much know how the romantic aspect will turn out from the previews. But Wall-E’s hero journey may surprise you. I love how everyone he interacts with begins to challenge their own perceptions of their surroundings. And it’s all deliciously by accident. Wall-E stays true to his character throughout. In a lot of similar films, some kind of deus ex machina comes in at the last second to imbue the hero with power overwhelming to defeat the enemy and save the day. Not here. Wall-E remains Wall-E til the end.

There’s also a fairly heavy environmental message that underlies the whole piece. Fortunately, Pixar doesn’t bash you in the head repeatedly to get the point across. Instead, they’re content to let the story, Wall-E and Eve to take center stage. But the message is clear. Take care of the Earth because it’s the only one we got. Kids will absolutely love the characters while us old folk can appreciate that added depth.

Visuals

This movie is absolutely gorgeous, certainly the best visuals Pixar has created to date. The environments are so immersive and photorealistic and the camera work has such a natural feel that you forget you’re watching something 100% computer generated. There are some live-action human sequences added in here and there. This is the first time that Pixar has used that technique, but it somehow works and didn’t jump me out of the film. Disbelief suspended completely.

The animation is brilliant. The robots have such personality all communicated through their movements. You can tell exactly what their thinking and feeling. You’ve never seen such emotion from bits of metal.

Sound

The soundtrack is so touching and at times very poignant. I teared up at a number of scenes where the pathos was expertly punctuated with the soundtrack. The soundscape of the world is just as powerful. Every little background sound, the whirls, the dings, the little rumblings, everything is so perfectly crafted to just suck you in. I found myself listening to the film as intently as I was watching.

Waaaal-EE

With Wall-E, Pixar demonstrates a mastery of film making that few real life studios have achieved. And though I fully expect Dark Knight and Hell Boy 2 to absolutely obliterate the summer box office, Wall-E will stay with and inspire me far after this summer movie season concludes. I will so cherish it for years to come. You must, must, MUST see it in theaters as soon as possible.



Kung Fu Panda Full of Awesomeness and Acttractiveness

Monday, June 9th, 2008 at 10:37 am by Jami

Po from Kung Fu Panda

Audrey and I caught Kung Fu Panda opening night and just fell in love with the movie! It’s easily one of our absolute favorites of the summer thus far. Martial arts movie fans will appreciate the wonderfully choreographed action sequences and the many nods to Kung Fu classics. You can tell the writers did their homework. The voice actors have a lot of fun with their characters and it comes through in every bit of dialog. Certainly a great summer movie that everyone can enjoy, Kung Fu nerd or not.

A few complaints before the gushing continues. I realize that I’m throwing my full support behind a movie that by and large cast non Asians to portray Chinese animals. Lucy Liu and Jackie Chan are the only Chinese voice actors and neither has a large portion of dialog. We were sorely disappointed that Jackie had about five lines throughout the entire film. Also, there’s a dramatic tone shift between the penultimate and final confrontations. There’s no way the final fight between Po and Tai Lung could have sustained the dark drama of the fight between Shifu and Tai Lung for a kid’s movie. And it probably would have rung a bit false. But it’s a jarring enough shift that it almost jumped me out. Fortunately, it’s handled well enough to suck me back in.

The opening and end credit sequences are done in traditional 2D animation and are absolutely stunning, especially the opening. Why Dreamworks hasn’t done a full 2D feature yet is beyond me (Forgot Prince of Egypt. Thanks Devin). I will purchase the DVD as soon as possible just to play that sequence over and over. It’s that fucking good! From superb 2D we jump into gorgeous 3D. Dreamworks is really kicking their game up. The environments are so realistic and detailed and the characters move so fluidly it’s easy to get lost in the world and forget you’re watching a movie made of ones and zeros. Very pretty ones and zeros.

Other highlights include old master Oogway’s old man lips and subtle twitchy hands, Tai Lung’s escape (one of the craziest action sequences filmed ever!), Po’s training sequences with master Shifu, and the Furious Five paper craft on Po’s windowsill. The story is familiar and somewhat predictable, but nonetheless thoroughly enjoyable. So highly recommended!

We had so much fun in the theater. I highly recommend everyone check out the awesomeness of Kung Fu Panda as soon as possible! A great summer movie that must be seen on the big screen!

UPDATE: Wayne reminded me. Be sure to stay through the end credits for a short additional scene. Very cute.



Iron Man Makes Pants Crunchy

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 3:50 pm by Jami

ironmancover.jpg

Before we get into the meat of this, there are two complaints that I’d like to address. First, Iron Man is a very “male” movie. Val over at Occasional Superheroine likens Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow’s character) to a “glorified Miss Moneypenny.” That’s exactly what I thought as I was watching. Pepper Potts is certainly a great foil for Robert Downy Jr.’s Tony Stark, but a super secretary is hardly a strong female role model. She’s the only woman in the film who’s not treated as a sex object. True, Tony Stark is supposed to be a womanizing letch, but reducing women to mere eye candy in the new millennium is tired. Hopefully, the Black Widow will show up in the next one to give Stark a run for his money.

Second, the Middle Eastern terrorist angle annoys me. In the new millennium, Arab actors deserve more diverse roles than terrorists in our movies and television. This one note portrayal only serves to reinforce stereotypes that truly damage any hope that the west will ever understand the Middle East. I will give Iron Man some credit. Ten Rings is a group of nomads who speak various languages. The movie also shows regular Arabs being terrorized by Ten Rings. And there’s no apparent religious aspect to Ten Rings. They never cheer in the name of any deity as they brutalize citizens. That’s probably as even a portrayal of terrorists as we’re going to get. Also, Ten Rings is clearly a nod to the Mandarin. I expect them to return in future sequels.

Okay, now that the bitching is over, on to the review!

Characters

Robert Downey, Jr. - It’s truly amazing when an actor gets a character. Robert Downey, Jr. gets Tony Stark. Robert Downey, Jr. IS Tony Stark. He was practically born to play the part. There’s a sincerity to his portrayal that draws you in making everything believable. You don’t question Tony McGuyvering a mini ARC generator in cave. You don’t question Tony flying to the Middle East in just the Mark III and still having enough power to take on two fighter jets. Tony is so real and an absolute joy to watch on screen.

Terrence Howard - Howard’s Jim Rhodes is straight man to Tony Stark. It’s a very subtle performance. Jim is the loyal friend always willing to cover Tony’s ass without question. You can tell that there’s more bubbling under the surface, but Howard plays it fairly conservatively. He’s perfectly aware of who the star is and is more than willing to let Downey shine. I really hope we get to see him suit up as War Machine in the next one. Howard could certainly use a bigger part in the sequel.

Gwyneth Paltrow - There’s no doubt that Pepper Potts is Tony’s Money Penny. The sexual tension between the two is quite palpable and the chemistry is electrifying. The balcony scene had me on the edge of my freaking seat! Loved her witty banter. More please! Part of me kind of wants them to hook up, but part of me likes the tension building between Tony and Pepper.

Jeff Bridges - If Jeff Bridges didn’t have such a distinct voice, I might not have recognized him as Obadiah Stane. He’s the perfect sneaky villain and plays well against Downey, Jr. Don’t often see him as the bad guy but you could tell he had fun with the part.

Shell Head

I’m so in love with the fact that they used practical armor on set. Nothing rocks harder than actors in big old suits of metal. I found the blending between CG and practical armors to be quite good. Definitely a must see on a freaking large movie screen. Live action mech porn doesn’t get much more sexy than this.

As a dabbler in 3D, I would totally love to model 3D objects with that virtual holographic interface Tony uses to design his armor. Such an elegant an intuitive way to build 3D objects. I hope I live long enough to witness such technologies and to actually use them.

The nice thing is that the effects don’t get over done. You never feel like they get in the way of the plot. It’s certainly a mech sex fest, but unlike tradition porn, the tech serves the plot.

Plot

Out of all of the comic book films that have recently dropped, Iron Man has the strongest plot, the kind of movie non comic fans can really relate to without foreknowledge of the character. At the same time, it treats the source material with such reverence that it brings a golden smile to the hearts of comic book geeks. Brilliant.

We’re not overloaded with mindless action sequences. Every splodey has a meaning behind it. Every effect shot has a purpose. Even the sexy tech bits are there for a reason. No scene seems overly gratuitous or wasted.

In terms of content, it seems to lean very heavily towards the Ultimate universe, especially in light of the TOTALLY BAD MOTHER FUCKING cameo at the end of the credits. It also sets up some nice crossover possibilities which will kick all mighty ass if Robert Downey, Jr. agrees to play Tony Stark in whatever future crossover Marvel has up its sleeve. They’ve already announced an Avengers movie for 2011 which would just make my loins explode and geek all over myself.

I AM IRON MAN

Iron Man is the best superhero film I’ve seen to date. I highly recommend comic geeks and action fans in general see this in the theater right now. Drop your keyboard, hop in the car, buy a ticket, and watch the awesome unfold before you! Really enjoyable flick and an excellent way to kick off the summer.



There Will Be Daniel Day Lewis Wigging Out!

Sunday, February 24th, 2008 at 12:22 am by Jami

There Will Be Blood

Judging There Will Be Blood by the Jam Scale is pointless. It’s a period piece set in the early 1900s so to fault the film for lacking diversity is inappropriate. So let’s just jump ahead.

There Will Be Blood might as well have been called Daniel Day Lewis vs Paul Dano. Daniel Day Lewis plays Daniel Plainview, a fairly unpleasant oil baron intent on drilling in a little frontier town. Paul Dano, who you might recognize as the silent brother from Little Miss Sunshine, plays an equally unpleasant preacher, Eli Sunday, intent on exploiting the situation to get much money as he can from Plainview for his church. There are other characters like Plainview’s young partner and adopted son, H.W., who accompanies Plainview on every deal, but really, it’s Plainview vs Sunday all the way.

It’s no surprise that Daniel Day Lewis is up for Best Actor tomorrow night. He completely embodies the character of a driven, egotistical, and self destructive oil baron. One of his most powerful performances to date. Paul Dano is also superb as the manipulative preacher. The two of them play very well off each other and I’m sure this will lead to good things for Dano.

The film does an excellent job of drawing you in from the very start. The first few minutes are spent with Daniel Plainview in a dark well as he digs all by his lonesome for silver. The first few lines of dialog occur eleven minutes in, but by then, we’re already drawn to Plainview.

The crazy thing is that though Plainview is a horrible man who is impossible for anyone to relate to, I found myself rooting for him in his quest to exploit the backwater frontier town. There’s virtually nothing redeeming about his character. No moments of revelation, no great heroic turn, no indication of any regret or humility or growth. He is an oil man to the end, driven, exploitive, egotistical, maniacal, and I just couldn’t help but cheer him on in the horrific final scene.

Though the title of the film evokes images of crimson red flowing like a river over hill and dale, the actual violent moments are few and far between giving them far greater impact. The cinematography is superb. The sweeping landscapes, the gritty wells, the set pieces, every visual sucks you into the period. However, it’s two and a half hours long. And to be perfectly honest, it feels like two and a half hours long. The visuals make it very easy to put yourself back in that time period. But eventually, the mystique wears off. And though Daniel Day Lewis is completely enthralling and Paul Dano draws you in and repells you at the same time, I found myself looking at my watch. There’s only so much intensity I can take in one sitting and two and a half hours of it is well beyond my limit. It’s not a bad movie, far from it. But it’s a bit much to take all at once.

Overall, it was quite enjoyable. Intense, but worth a full price ticket. Just make sure you have three hours to kill. I’m almost certain Daniel Day Lewis will walk away with the Oscar tomorrow. And I wouldn’t be surprised if There Will Be Blood beats out the competition.

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Cloverfield: So Long and Thanks For All the Giant Spider Crab Thingies

Thursday, January 24th, 2008 at 12:34 pm by Jami

Cloverfield Monster Cutie

Awe… it just wanted a chew toy!

Cloverfield rates decently on the Jam Scale. The main cast is diverse enough for me as are the supporting players. You really get a feel for the people of New York which is quite nice. Shaky cam almost made me nauseous, but I get that way after playing FPS’s for too long anyway. Overall, quite enjoyable.

And now, for my super spoily review!
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The River Tam Chronicles

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008 at 11:18 am by Jami

River Tam Chronicles

Last night was sort of a perfect geek television night. The listings had “The Sarah Connor Chronicles,” which shall hence forth be referred to as The River Tam Chronicles, opposite “Gladiators” but it turned out that Chronicles was on after Gladiators. After watching our first contestant injury courtesy of Meyham, we settled in to watch River Tam kick the shit out of Terminators.

I was sort of iffy on this series when I first heard about it, but I must say that “The River Tam Chronicles” was much better than I thought it would be. The cast is great, the action is decent, and aside from a few nerdy details that just don’t add up at all, it’s overall quite enjoyable.

Lena Headey’s Sarah Connor brings a lot of reflection and softness that was missing from Linda Hamilton’s militant bitch goddess from Terminator 2 which is exactly what we need for a television series. Don’t get me wrong, seeing Linda completely dominate and whup ass is quite awesome. But Sarah Connor needs a little more depth if we’re going to be staying with her season after season and Lena brings both the whup ass and the depth we need. Awesome choice.

Thomas Dekker is far less annoying than Edward Furlong as John Connor. That’s pretty much all I wanted.

Though Richard T. Jones as agent James Ellison gets a full bio on the website, he didn’t get much screen time. He brings much needed diversity to the cast, but since I’ve yet to see him do much of anything, the jury is still out on what role he’ll play. I wouldn’t be surprised to see him join the fight once he learns the truth about the Terminators. You could easily predict that he’ll eventually catch Sarah and get the shit kicked out of him by a Terminator or something along those lines to convert him to a believer. Still, the show rates very low on the Jam Scale.

The break out star is of course Summer Glau as the Terminator Cameron Phillips, clearly a tribute to James Cameron. Her stunt work is quite good. She can really sell a punch. You can see shades of River Tam in her portrayal as the good Terminator attempting to learn more about mankind while kicking major ass. Her character almost has a Data or Spock like quality, the outsider looking in defining humanity for us by pointing out its trivialities and inconsistencies.

Already we’ve seen about four or five Terminators which makes one wonder why Skynet never sent more back in time to take care of business. I predict that the faceless Terminator that shows up in this episode will be a long time series antagonist. You also kind of wonder why the resistance never sent more people back to help protect the Connor line. Also, this show seems to completely ignore the third movie which is probably for the best.

There was a nice little nod to 9/11 in this episode that I thought was done well. Sarah Conner, who has traveled forward in time from 1999, missed the attacks of September 2001. She’s told about the attacks by the man she’s buying new IDs from and upon reflection, she says something to the effect of “Had I been here for the attacks, I would have thought, ‘We failed.’”

It’s still too early to decide if “The River Tam Chronicles” is a worthy successor to the franchise but I like what I’ve seen thus far. I’ll stick with it for a while.

[Via FOX]



AVP Requiem

Sunday, January 6th, 2008 at 7:04 pm by Jami

Predalien

It’s probably best not to judge a film like Alien Versus Predator: Requiem by the Jam Scale. Minorities are horribly represented. There are only two non-white people in this whole suburban town, the Latino sheriff, and a black nameless teenager. The sheriff does get quite a lot of screen time which is very nice. And no one seems to care that he’s not white which is even better. But in the end, I didn’t really go into this thing expecting diversity.

AVPR starts off where the first one ended. The Predators are on their way home from picking up their dead friend when the cute Predalien bursts forth from his chest. He grows up surprisingly fast enough to ambush one of the Predators who was tending to an Alien skull. The pilot fires on the Predalien and blows a hole in the hull sending their craft hurtling towards the woods in middle suburban America. Of course, the Predators were carrying a whole mess of face-huggers in stasis and when their ship crashes, the face-huggers escape to grab onto a father and son who happen to be hunting in the woods when the Predator ship crashes. Awesome start!

If you were to come in after this opening stuff, you might think you’ve walked into the wrong movie. It’s like someone switched reels and started playing something off of the CW like “One Tree Hill” or “Gossip Girl” or some other shit show with pretty people that you just want to kick in the fucking teeth. Blech. This will be a great DVD release because you can fast forward all the lame people shit.

The best part about the first act is the arrival of our lone Predator. The adverts for the film make it seem like a whole army of Predators will descend upon middle America to layeth the smacketh down on the Alien infestation. But no, we get one Predator. We do get a short glimpse of the Predator home world. That was pretty sweet. And I liked this Predator. He’s got some new toys we haven’t seen yet. A nice little Predator survival kit with weapons and gadgets and this blue glowy goo that disintegrates Alien carcasses to erase all trace of them. We also get quite a few good scenes with the Predator doing some investigation trying to figure out how the ship went down and where all the face-huggers have gone now that they’ve escaped. Honestly, if the entire film followed him instead of inter-cutting more lame “One Dumb Hill” shit, I would have loved it.

As you can imagine, the Aliens quickly infest the town. They spend quite a lot of time with the people in the first act in an attempt to make you care for them, but really, when the face-huggers grabbed them, I couldn’t help but laugh.

There was a lot that I liked about this movie. The body count is freaking huge. The Predalien hybrid was pretty badass. Okay, so the dreads kinda look stupid, but this thing fucking tore shit up! I also like that the entire town gets infested. The Aliens spread quickly through the suburbs as you’d expect. I wanted more Predators to show up, but our lone Predator was quite the badass. Aliens keep throwing themselves at him and he just tears right though them. He even takes the Predalien on hand-to-hand, no weapons and no helmet. Quite the stud of a Predator.

The people I could have done without. I kind of understand why they were included. One, you need something for the Aliens to infest. Otherwise, no movie. Second, you need viewpoint characters to sort of explain what the fuck you’re seeing. This is where the people utterly failed. There are about five or six stories that are introduced that don’t relate to each other other than they all occur in the same town. Each of these subplots have their own characters so it’s hard to get attached to any of them as the scenes jump between to give them just enough screen time. When they are finally thrown together because they’re all running from the Aliens, it turns into an Escape From the Suburbs movie. Instead of giving us insights into the Aliens, our viewpoint characters run the fuck away. Instead of recognizing that the Predator is hunting the Aliens and might be able to help out, our viewpoint characters shoot at him every time he shows up. If the people are just going to be cattle used to bread Aliens, why bother giving us their back stories? Granted, there’s enough shown on-screen that we don’t really need too much in the way of explanation. But if that’s the case, I say fill it with more Alien and Predator action and cut out all the bullshit.

Overall, I enjoyed AVPR quite a bit. If you do go, pay matinée prices as I think you’d be quite upset if you paid full price. Even better, you could wait for the DVD to fast forward all the people stuff. Trust me, you won’t be missing a thing. Also, you must go in realizing that this is not fine art by any stretch of any imagination. This is Super Geek Wars fully realized on the big screen. Total B movie goodness right up in here.

Oh, and it’s probably better with a group of really drunk and loud friends. This is definitely a movie that deserves running commentary.



Tokens in America

Monday, December 31st, 2007 at 1:57 pm by Jami

Aliens and Chicken

Why anyone would watch the CW on purpose is beyond me. But since our television now only gets Fox affiliates or CW affiliates, our choices are slightly limited (should probably invest in an antennae if we’re going to catch American Gladiators). We had just watched the Redskins wipe the floor with the Cowboys and were waiting around for “The Simpsons” to start so we decided to give “Aliens in America” a try.

The idea of an American family sitcom starring a Muslim character sounds absolutely brilliant. On paper. In practice, “Aliens in America” leaves quite a lot to desire. Here’s the set up. Justin Tolchuck is a typically awkward and shy 16-year-old high school boy with few friends and a dismal social life. Of course, by contrast, his younger sister Claire is quite popular and confident. To help break her son out of his shell, Franny, the mom, signs up as a host family for the foreign exchange program. Enter Raja, a 16-year-old Muslim boy from Pakistan. By the mere fact that he’s foreign, Muslim, and apparently the only non-white student in school, Raja is as much of an outcast as Justin. The two become fast friends and hilarity ensues. Only it doesn’t. It’s not funny. It’s not thought provoking. It’s not very good at all. Oh yeah, there’s a father in there somewhere.

I suppose my expectations were a bit too high. This show is the first of its kind and comes at a time when we need a broader cultural understanding of the Muslim world. There’s a real opportunity to explore diversity and to poke fun at how insane some of our popular perceptions of the Muslim world are. Instead, the CW plays it safe. Instead of a show that questions and challenges our perceptions, we get a cookie cutter sitcom about a “typical” suburban family and all of their quirks and hypocrisies with Raja functioning as little more than the group conscious. In fact, if you replaced him with Jiminy Cricket, I doubt many viewers would know the difference. Raja was hardly in the episode we saw, only appearing to give a little advice here and there, used more as a token than a starring role. It’s a great shame, too, because Adhir Kalyan who portrays Raja is a welcome change to an otherwise homogeneous and boring mix of characters we’ve all seen before.

Granted, this may have been just one episode. Other episodes may indeed feature Raja more prominently. And if it were actually funny, I might wait around a few more episodes to see if it picks up. It’s not uncomfortable funny like HBO’s “Extras.” It’s not balls out funny like “Dave Chapelle.” It’s not even situational funny like “Seinfeld” (which I can’t fucking stand so you might want to take all of my tele reviews with many grains of salt). It’s safe. And dull. And absolutely boring. And not worth your time at all.

Oh, and it rates rather low on the Jam Scale because Raja seems to be the only minority in the entire town.

[Via CW]



Live Free or Die Hard

Tuesday, October 16th, 2007 at 12:39 am by Jami

Jam Scale reviews returns with some Sketchcast action. It’s going to take a few of these for me to get the hang of it, but for my first Sketchcast Jam Scale review, I’m looking at Live Free or Die Laughing. Enjoy!



Transformers, Borderline Genius?

Tuesday, July 10th, 2007 at 2:12 am by Jami

At least according to Rob “Freaking” Balder.

After spending hours at Ballston drawing little dwagons and gobwins fighting woodsy elves and gumps while battling for Gobwin Knob, Rob “Freaking” Balder, his girlfriend, and I went upstairs to catch the 3:20pm showing of Transformers. Much to my amazement, both Rob and his girlfriend came out with beaming smiles on their faces. Rob would later describe his thoughts on the film declaring that some of the scenes, especially the dialog, “borderline genius.”

I respect Rob’s opinion. I wouldn’t be working with him and spending most of my free time chained to a desk drawing until my arm falls off if I didn’t think highly of his writing skills. Clearly, he was quite impressed with the movie giving it some fairly high praise. The problem must be me.

To be fair, I thought it was very entertaining. Genius? Hardly. But damn sight entertaining. It didn’t feel like two hours had passed. By contrast, I felt every painful minute of Spider-Man 3 and wished the franchise had ended when Doc Oc sank to the bottom of the lake. Transformers is much better than Spider-Man 3.

There were parts that I particularly enjoyed. Megan Fox is entirely too hot. And she’s a fucking badass. Shia LaBeouf brought a sort of younger John Cusak quality to his performance. Quite likable. Bumblebee communicating through the radio was cute in a Herbie the Love Bug kind of way. I appreciated the diversity of the military cast and Michael Bay lurvs them. He makes them look so damn good. The Department of Defense should hire him to direct their commercials.

There were more parts that I didn’t particularly care for. Indeed, this movie featured most of the things I can’t stand about modern action films. Jerky camera work, close shots of major fights, quick frenetic jump cuts. I understand that filmmakers want to put the audience right in the action, but if you’re showing off your giant CG robots, how about giving the animators a break and throwing in some wide shots of fight scenes. That shit must have been hell for the animators to camera track. The movie is entirely too loud. At one point, the speakers in our theater decided they couldn’t keep up and dropped the volume a few decibels to avoid real life explody. If you’re audio is going to be that damn loud, at least give me something to hum when I walk out of the theater. The soundtrack is ultimately forgettable. I did find myself humming “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” by Tomoyasu Hotei, but I could have been walking out of Kill Bill and you’d never know the difference.

And there were completely pedantic and nerdy things that I couldn’t get over. Yes, this part of my argument is possibly the most lame because it’s mostly things that I just plain don’t like. The robots don’t do it for me. To be fair, I’m not a purist. I don’t care that the G1 designs weren’t used for the movie. I just don’t like the ones they chose. Their designs are so complex and the fight scenes cut so quickly that it’s difficult to know who to root for when they’re fighting each other. “Go kick some ass you with the dark metal pipe/spiky things! Beat that other dude with the… uh… pipe/twisty/motor/pipe/spiky things… and stuff.” Megatron is a pansy. There, I said it. The greatest threat to the planet and all he manages to do is destroy an underground bunker, smash up some buildings, and flick a puny flesh bag? Hardly fear-inspiring. The Optimus Megatron fight suffered from close shots and jump cuts. I could tell who was who because of the nifty tribal flames, but damned if I could tell you who punched who.

Apparently, I’m in the minority.

Most everyone I’ve talked to really enjoyed watching Transformers. I know I saw the same movie that they saw. It must just be me. I didn’t hate it like I hate Showgirls (holy fucking pussy shit is that movie awful). And I’ll admit, it was entertaining to see it on the big screen. And the effects were simply brilliant. And still, I didn’t really like it.

Ah well. Transformers 2 and 3 are well on their way. Maybe I’ll have another chance to jump on the band wagon.





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