The Jam Scale rates movies, television, comics, and other forms of entertainment I see fit to complain about based on ethnic diversity. The scale goes from 1 to 5, 1 being totally devoid of any diversity and 5 being all colorful and integrated. It should be noted that this is not a “quality of the movie” scale. A movie like 2 Fast, 2 Furious scores very high on the scale, but is quite difficult to watch with your brain in the “ON” position. On the other hand, a movie like Little Miss Sunshine scores very low on the scale, but it’s one of the few that keeps me laughing every time. As such, these reviews should be taken with many grains of salt.
Jam Scale reviews returns with some Sketchcast action. It’s going to take a few of these for me to get the hang of it, but for my first Sketchcast Jam Scale review, I’m looking at Live Free or Die Laughing. Enjoy!
At least according to Rob “Freaking” Balder.
After spending hours at Ballston drawing little dwagons and gobwins fighting woodsy elves and gumps while battling for Gobwin Knob, Rob “Freaking” Balder, his girlfriend, and I went upstairs to catch the 3:20pm showing of Transformers. Much to my amazement, both Rob and his girlfriend came out with beaming smiles on their faces. Rob would later describe his thoughts on the film declaring that some of the scenes, especially the dialog, “borderline genius.”
I respect Rob’s opinion. I wouldn’t be working with him and spending most of my free time chained to a desk drawing until my arm falls off if I didn’t think highly of his writing skills. Clearly, he was quite impressed with the movie giving it some fairly high praise. The problem must be me.
To be fair, I thought it was very entertaining. Genius? Hardly. But damn sight entertaining. It didn’t feel like two hours had passed. By contrast, I felt every painful minute of Spider-Man 3 and wished the franchise had ended when Doc Oc sank to the bottom of the lake. Transformers is much better than Spider-Man 3.
There were parts that I particularly enjoyed. Megan Fox is entirely too hot. And she’s a fucking badass. Shia LaBeouf brought a sort of younger John Cusak quality to his performance. Quite likable. Bumblebee communicating through the radio was cute in a Herbie the Love Bug kind of way. I appreciated the diversity of the military cast and Michael Bay lurvs them. He makes them look so damn good. The Department of Defense should hire him to direct their commercials.
There were more parts that I didn’t particularly care for. Indeed, this movie featured most of the things I can’t stand about modern action films. Jerky camera work, close shots of major fights, quick frenetic jump cuts. I understand that filmmakers want to put the audience right in the action, but if you’re showing off your giant CG robots, how about giving the animators a break and throwing in some wide shots of fight scenes. That shit must have been hell for the animators to camera track. The movie is entirely too loud. At one point, the speakers in our theater decided they couldn’t keep up and dropped the volume a few decibels to avoid real life explody. If you’re audio is going to be that damn loud, at least give me something to hum when I walk out of the theater. The soundtrack is ultimately forgettable. I did find myself humming “Battle Without Honor or Humanity” by Tomoyasu Hotei, but I could have been walking out of Kill Bill and you’d never know the difference.
And there were completely pedantic and nerdy things that I couldn’t get over. Yes, this part of my argument is possibly the most lame because it’s mostly things that I just plain don’t like. The robots don’t do it for me. To be fair, I’m not a purist. I don’t care that the G1 designs weren’t used for the movie. I just don’t like the ones they chose. Their designs are so complex and the fight scenes cut so quickly that it’s difficult to know who to root for when they’re fighting each other. “Go kick some ass you with the dark metal pipe/spiky things! Beat that other dude with the… uh… pipe/twisty/motor/pipe/spiky things… and stuff.” Megatron is a pansy. There, I said it. The greatest threat to the planet and all he manages to do is destroy an underground bunker, smash up some buildings, and flick a puny flesh bag? Hardly fear-inspiring. The Optimus Megatron fight suffered from close shots and jump cuts. I could tell who was who because of the nifty tribal flames, but damned if I could tell you who punched who.
Apparently, I’m in the minority.
Most everyone I’ve talked to really enjoyed watching Transformers. I know I saw the same movie that they saw. It must just be me. I didn’t hate it like I hate Showgirls (holy fucking pussy shit is that movie awful). And I’ll admit, it was entertaining to see it on the big screen. And the effects were simply brilliant. And still, I didn’t really like it.
Ah well. Transformers 2 and 3 are well on their way. Maybe I’ll have another chance to jump on the band wagon.
Jason Statham fucks Amy Smart in the middle of China Town while a bus load of Korean school girls giggle and watch!
Well, how would you start off a review of Crank?
Let’s back up a second. My brother and I have a penchant for bad movies. We paid money to see Star Trek: Nemesis on purpose. I bought us tickets to see Spice World opening night. So when both of us remark that a movie is utter shite, you know it’s got to be utter shite!
So yes, back to the fucking. The movie starts with a swift kick in the nuts. Jason Statham play Chev Chelios, a hit man who wakes up to find that he’s been injected with some “Chinese shit” that will kill him in an hour. After trashing his wide-screen flat-panel TV (I cringed on the floor at this scene), he goes out to find Verona, the man who responsible for drugging him. A quick call to his doctor reveals that if he’s able to keep his adrenal glands pumping full, he can counteract the effects of the drug. As you can imagine, hilarity and ultra violence ensue.
Chev cuts a bloody path through the city to keep his heart pumping. He snorts coke off the floor of a bathroom and picks a fight with a bar full of angry Black men. He drives through a crowded mall. He forces an EMT at gun-point to hit him with a defibrillator. He steals a cop’s motorcycle and stands on the seat as it’s speeding down the road. He bangs his girlfriend in the middle of a busy China Town street. Hell, now that I think about it, he does all the things you wish you could do if you didn’t have to worry about getting corn-holed in jail.
Crank doesn’t give you time to stop and realize that there’s no possible way any of this could happen. The cuts are quite fast and the cinematography blends a frenetic mix of first person perspective, CG enhanced shots, and just some bat shit crazy stuff which makes the look of the film quite refreshing. As bad as it is, it’s a very entertaining movie and fun to watch.
The nice thing is that it scores really high on the Jam Scale. I’m giving it a big 5 out of 5 for including a very diverse cast of characters. I suppose they play stereotypes, but honestly, I was impressed that it was so diverse.
I enjoyed watching this film. And I got to see it in HD! I had no idea you could rent movies on XBOX Live, but there we were, watching Crank thanks to the 360. This is not a good movie in the sense that it’s light on plot and thin on realism. Mat and I both agree that it’s pretty bad.
But sometimes, you just wanna have sex in the middle of China Town.
For the return of the Jam Scale reviews, I thought I’d dig up this moldy oldy. Before he was the chairman of America’s Kitchen Stadium, Jimmy Lee in Double Dragon, or Mani in Le Pacte des Loups, Mark Dacascos was Louis Stevens in Only the Strong. Released to rather poor reviews in 1993, Only the Strong served as many Americans’, me included, introduction to the Brazilian martial art capoeira. The clip is from the opening scene and I remember starring wide-eyed as the capoeiristas ginga and flipped in the roda. The music, the movement, everything about it captivated me.
The film serves more as a vehicle to introduce capoeira than anything else. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but upon watching it once again now that I’ll all growd up, there’s a lot to be desired. Were it not for the capoeira, this movie is hardly worth a mention even though it scores amazingly well on the Jam Scale.
This movie has been done time and time again as Dangerous Minds, Dead Poets Society, Take the Lead. A maverick teacher takes a group of disruptive and degenerate students and using unorthodox methods, teaches them to expect more from life. Only the Strong is the same thing. Louis uses capoeira to teach loser high school kids to trust one another and strive for excellence. There are quite a lot of unintentional funny moments throughout and you’ll find yourself laughing at things that are meant to be sentimental. This is a very young Dacascos and his lack of experience shows.
The only derivation from the formula comes in the form of a villain by the name of Silverio played by Paco Christian Prieto. Silverio runs the crime syndicate of the neighborhood and his younger cousin, Orlando, is one of Louis’s students. Silverio has some of the best lines in the whole movie and for the next few weeks, Audrey will be subjected to most of them. Eventually, Silverio and Louis face off the win the hearts of the kids and the neighborhood.
As rough around the edges as the movie is, it’s extremely diverse. I suppose if I were hyper sensitive to ethnicity, I could make a case that this movie reinforces stereotypes. Orlando works for his cousin by stripping cars. The Black kid works for his brother selling drugs. Yeah, okay, so they’re stereotypes. But the performances are genuine so it doesn’t feel forced. It gets a solid 5 on the Jam Scale, the highest rating it can possible get!
You’ve seen this movie before and possibly done much better, but it’s very entertaining. The capoeira is wonderful and you leave with a smile on your face which is what these movies are supposed to do. It’s one of my favorites and I think if you like the same kinda shit that I do, you’ll enjoy it.
As a side note, ever since seeing this thing, I’ve wanted to do capoeira. I’ve bought books and videos to try to learn some, but it’s just not the same. Books and videos are good supplements to formal instruction, but they sure don’t replace it. So I’ve been trying to find a place in the DC Metro area that offers capoeira classes. If anyone out there knows of a place that takes beginners, please PLEASE let me know. I live in Rockville, but I’m not averse to traveling somewhat to get to classes.
Add AZM to your Facebook
Follow AZM on Twitter
