My brother sent me the trailer for Zack Snyder’s Sucker Punch which debuted at Comic Con. The movie doesn’t come out until next year sometime, but I guess Comic Con is the perfect place to hype up what looks to be a giant bad girl fetish fest all thrown up on screen. It’s like Snyder stuck a film camera in the forehead of a horny fifteen year old boy and projected the images on to film. Girls with guns, school girls with swords, mechs, dragons, girls in skimpy out fits, girls, girls, and more girls.

The movie takes place in an insane asylum so the batshit insane stuff we’re seeing in this trailer may all be the lunatic fantasies of our heroine who is institutionalized by her fuckhead of a stepfather. I’m a little sad to think that we won’t get to see a world in which giant samurai robots exist for really reals, but the fantasy as reality theme worked really well in Pan’s Labyrinth and it might hold up here. Besides, there are giant samurai robots! Who gives a fuck if it’s real or imaginary. They’re fucking awesome!

Legendary Pictures was at ComicCon handing out augmented reality t-shirts to promote their new film, Godzilla.

There is one thing, and one thing only, that will make me not hate this movie forever. If Legendary actually makes a suit and puts a man in it, I will support this film 100% no matter how shitty the trailers look. However, if a suit is not made, if they use a CG Godzilla instead, I will unleash an unending slew of hateful invectives to ensure that no one will go see this film. Ever.

This is your one and only warning Legendary. Man in suit. Or get the fuck out.

Source: Robojapan

I really enjoy meeting AZM readers in person. AZM Ally Wayne was in town last week so Audrey and I met up with him and his lovely wife for dinner at our local Taiwanese place, Jumbo Jumbo Bubble Express (SOOO GOOOOD). Turns out Wayne is an independent game designer and he gave me a copy of his card game, Zombie Cafe. It combines two things that are awesome, zombies and food!

You are the owner of a delicatessen. Business is going well for you until The Change. Now your customers are zombies and you’re forced to stock zombie food, brains. Fortunately, your supplier also experienced The Change and is perfectly willing to ship you nice, big, juicy, zombie friendly brains! Your goal is to sell all your brains before your opponents steal away your best customers. The game supports 2-6 players and requires two six-sided die.

If you think you have the intestinal fortitude to run a successful Zombie Cafe, get in touch with Wayne for details on how to order the game. It’s regularly $16.95, but if you act now and mention AZM along with your order, you can pick up Zombie Cafe for $15. So check it out and remember, zombie’s love them some fresh brains.

Source: Spare Brains Games

In the famous words of Dante from Clerks II, “You never go ass-to-mouth!”

I’m not sure that Human Centipede qualifies as “torture porn” in the way that Hostel or Saw does. I mean, sure, the fucked up medical experiment proposed by our mad scientist here is certainly torturous. But I think we’d have to classify Human Centipede as “mad scientific experimental porn.” Or maybe “horror scheisse porn.” I mean, it totally has a creepy two girls one cup vibe to it.

I gotta wonder how you come up with an idea like this. I mean, what kind of problem are you trying to solve by sewing three people ass-to-mouth? Are you trying to figure out how you can eat more in volume without gaining weight? Like, maybe you’re the first one in the chain and really like food a lot so you eat enough to fill three people and when you’re done you unhook from the chain. Or… no, I can’t even pretend to come up with some plausible explanation for this other than the wrinkly dude is no longer satisfied with regular porn.

Anyway, the point is, now that you’ve seen it YOU CAN’T UNSEE IT!

Now that’s a fucking trailer!

It’s clear that with Predators, Robert Rodriguez is returning the franchise to its horror/sci-fi roots and I freaking love it. The best part of the trailer is that you hardly see any of the Predators at all and when you do, it’s a quick cut or a freaky silhouette. They don’t spoil the fun with a big reveal. The scene where those red lights pop up all over Adrien Brody is fucking awesome. So yeah, I’m a sucker for anything with Predators in it. I saw both AVP movies in the theater on purpose. And I’m gonna see this one. Difference is, this one looks like it might actually be good!

“Why would birds do something like that?”

Yes, Natalie, why would horribly animated CG birds do something like that?

So this is Birdemic: Shock and Terror, an indy low-budget horror film tribute to Hitchcock’s The Birds that is so bad, it breaks through the badness barrier to the land known as so bad but SOOOO FUCKING GOOD!

Or not…

“Can you endure 20,000 spoonfuls of terror?”

Richard Gale’s The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon is absolutely brilliant.

Source: Richard Gale Films

I don’t think this song or video are particularly good. But it does articulate very well the many reasons why these Twilight era vampires absolutely suck sweaty donkey scrotum.

Vampires used to kick quite a lot of ass. Even Buffy era vampires were hardcore. You never saw Angel brooding… um… okay, so maybe Angel had his “mooning over Buffy” moments. But he could kick the ever loving shit out of Edward Cullen. Pre-Twilight era vampires were dead sexy, lustfully dangerous, horribly evil. Twilight era vampires are chaste, boring, emo. Where’s the sex? Their clothes are still on, HOW IS THIS LOVE?!

I understood when women swooned over Angel, Spike, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, Tom when he was in interview. Those vampires dangerously oozed sex. The ladies couldn’t help but lust after these bad boys. I don’t get the hubbub over these Twilight era wussies. Okay, so glittery shiny things always attract your eyes. But these boring fucks don’t do anything remote dangerous or sexy or evil. They’re boring and a bit stalkery. There’s no denying that Stephie Meyer tapped into something that the tweeny girlies drool over. But damned if I can figure it out.

I guess that’s the point. I’m certainly not the target audience for Blahlight, The Vampire Diarrhea, True Blood, or whatever other wussy vampire shlock is out there ruining the name of vampires. I just hope it doesn’t last. Looking forward to Daybreakers to bring the kick ass back to vampires!

You might expect that a classic horror remake would be released around now as All Hallow’s Eve approaches, but according to this absolutely amazing trailer for The Wolfman that Angry Zen Minion Steven Blue sent along, the movie comes out next February right around V-Day. Although, in a way, this is perfect! There’s no better date movie than a horror movie! And this one looks like it’s going to kick some serious ass. That shit with Benicio’s fingers bending the completely wrong way freaks the shit out of me.

I’m not a big fan of remakes, but this looks great. Thank gods he’s not a vampire. I don’t think I could stand another vampire anything.

Alright, I’ll admit that when I heard Michael Bay was producing a remake of Nightmare on Elm Street I got dizzy from my eyes rolling so hard. But seeing Jackie Earle Haley as Freddie, holy shit balls this looks good. As the sequels kept piling on top of each other, Freddy became more of a punch line than the scary twisted fuck we were introduced in the first film. I can’t think of anyone better to make Freddie frightening once more. Jackie Earle Haley looks great and I’m sure he’ll terrify all those sleepy kids on Elm Street. Hate to say it, but I’m looking forward to this.