chev.jpgJason Statham fucks Amy Smart in the middle of China Town while a bus load of Korean school girls giggle and watch!

Well, how would you start off a review of Crank?

Let’s back up a second. My brother and I have a penchant for bad movies. We paid money to see Star Trek: Nemesis on purpose. I bought us tickets to see Spice World opening night. So when both of us remark that a movie is utter shite, you know it’s got to be utter shite!

So yes, back to the fucking. The movie starts with a swift kick in the nuts. Jason Statham play Chev Chelios, a hit man who wakes up to find that he’s been injected with some “Chinese shit” that will kill him in an hour. After trashing his wide-screen flat-panel TV (I cringed on the floor at this scene), he goes out to find Verona, the man who responsible for drugging him. A quick call to his doctor reveals that if he’s able to keep his adrenal glands pumping full, he can counteract the effects of the drug. As you can imagine, hilarity and ultra violence ensue.

Chev cuts a bloody path through the city to keep his heart pumping. He snorts coke off the floor of a bathroom and picks a fight with a bar full of angry Black men. He drives through a crowded mall. He forces an EMT at gun-point to hit him with a defibrillator. He steals a cop’s motorcycle and stands on the seat as it’s speeding down the road. He bangs his girlfriend in the middle of a busy China Town street. Hell, now that I think about it, he does all the things you wish you could do if you didn’t have to worry about getting corn-holed in jail.

Crank doesn’t give you time to stop and realize that there’s no possible way any of this could happen. The cuts are quite fast and the cinematography blends a frenetic mix of first person perspective, CG enhanced shots, and just some bat shit crazy stuff which makes the look of the film quite refreshing. As bad as it is, it’s a very entertaining movie and fun to watch.

The nice thing is that it scores really high on the Jam Scale. I’m giving it a big 5 out of 5 for including a very diverse cast of characters. I suppose they play stereotypes, but honestly, I was impressed that it was so diverse.

I enjoyed watching this film. And I got to see it in HD! I had no idea you could rent movies on XBOX Live, but there we were, watching Crank thanks to the 360. This is not a good movie in the sense that it’s light on plot and thin on realism. Mat and I both agree that it’s pretty bad.

But sometimes, you just wanna have sex in the middle of China Town.

More on Shaye and That Hobbit Movie

Robert Shaye, the founder of New Line Cinema, regrets losing Peter Jackson as a friend over statements he made against the director regarding Jackson’s lawsuit filed against New Line over moneys still owed for the Rings trilogy. However, he does not regret trash talking Jackson. According to this New York Times article, although no director has been chosen, Shaye plans on releasing The Hobbit sometime in 2009.

When the head of the studio says he’ll never work with you again, chances are, he’ll never work with you again. MGM still has a card to play in this game as New Line’s distributor, but it sounds like The Hobbit may go forth without Peter Jackson. There is mention of Sam Raimi possibly directing, but that’s an unsubstantiated rumor thus far.

You know, The Hobbit is a much smaller story than the trilogy. My personal preference is for Jackson to finish it off, but in light of the fact that Shaye wants nothing to do with Jackson, it might not be so bad if someone else gets a shot. No Jackson means no Weta which would be a big disappointment, but you don’t need awesome effects to make a great movie.

Aaron Eckhart is Harvey Dent

Not only is Harvey Dent in the next Bat flick, he’s been cast. Aaron Eckhart is in final negotiations to play the Gotham City district attorney turned Two Face. Still no details on whether or not he’ll be Two Face, but since Eckhart is pretty big now, I’m sure we’ll be seeing more than just a cameo from Harvey Dent.

Milli Vanilli Biopic

You know those movies that you were always waiting for but never knew you were waiting for them? This could be mine! Universal Pictures has picked up the rights for a Milli Vanilli biopic! Jeff Nathanson will write and direct. Fabrice Morvan and the estate of Rob Pilatus have given their consent so it’s just a matter of time before this hits the screen. Nathanson will begin work on the script as soon as production wraps on Rush Hour 3 which doesn’t sound like a good idea by any stretch, but we’ll just wait to bash that one.

I’m not shamed to admit I loved Milli Vanilli when they came out and the singers who actually sang on the record were pretty damn good. I’ve seen the VH1 Behind the Music about the duo which paints them as victims of unexpected and unintended success. I was sad to hear that Rob took his own life. I really loved Milli Vanilli and in light of the state of today’s pop music, it doesn’t really matter that they didn’t actually sing. Half the fuckers out there don’t actually sing the other half use Auto-Tune which is basically a computer singing in pitch for them! Fuckers.

I’m really looking forward to this movie and I don’t care what anyone says. So there!

Not Your Father’s Bumblebee

Ah! He’s seizing! Bumblebee was always my favorite Transformer. I still haven’t taken a shine to this new version, but the fact that he’ll be blasting “Whip It” by Devo is amusing.

There was a 25 minute preview of the flick shown at the New York Toy Fair. Still sounds like a crappy demo reel movie to me. Ah well.

More Venom!


WOW! Clocking in at around $190, this very impressive Venom statue is coming soon from Sideshow Collectibles. Sweet lord, I MUST HAVE ONE! Not that I wasn’t already excited for the movie, but this just clinches it! Opening night, here I come!

More Marvel Movies

It’s Marvel’s time to shine on the silver screen. Producer Avi Arad has confirmed a few Marvel movies that are on the slate. Up through 2010 we can expect Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, a Punisher sequel, a possible fourth Spider-Man, and a Ghost Rider sequel if this first one does well. There’s also Captain America, Bratz: The Movie, Ant-Man, Wolverine, and Magneto.

Captain America is certainly well past due for a feature film. And yes, I realize that there was a Captain America movie in 1990, but no one ever saw that piece of shit. From the very first X-Film, we knew that Hugh Jackman could carry a film. Wolverine is going to be lots of fun. Magneto could be quite devastating if they go the concentration camp route. By the time he discovers his mutant powers and rises up against his Nazi captors, the audience will be good and well ready for Magneto to emerge triumphant.

However, who the hell cares about Ant-Man? Okay, I realize that every B or C-List hero is someone’s favorite, but even they would have to admit that Ant-Man certainly doesn’t command his own film. I could totally see him in an Avengers film or as part of an ensemble, but a shrinking man who can control ants does not a movie make. Besides, after Honey I Shrunk the Kids, who really wants to see more shrinking people.

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