Movies

Hardy Men?

Boy, am I glad I made a Dumb Ass category. Tom Cruise is reportedly in talks with Ben Stiller to star in a buddy pick based on the Hardy Boys detective novels. The film would depict the boys all growd up and is tentatively titled The Hardy Men.

It seems pretty clear that Cruise wants to repair his bat-shit-crazy-jumping-on-couches persona. But shutting the fuck up would do far more to clean up his rep than starring in a buddy comedy. There’s no way I would want to see this thing. Really, who gives a shit about the Hardy Boys. Fun to read as a kid, but beyond that, the boys themselves aren’t all that interesting. No one cares what they’d be like all growd up.

If Tom really wants us to give a shit about him again, he should make a movie entitled I’m Sorry For Being A Fucking Looney where he apologizes to Brook Shields for saying stupid shit, apologizes to Katie for sticking his thing in her, and then just goes down a list of people apologizing to each one for being a complete utter shit these past few years. Firing his publicist was the worst fucking idea ever. She, at least, shielded the rest of us from bat-shit-crazy Tom. Now he has no filter and we get to see him in all his wigged-out glory. Why anyone would sign up for Scientology with this asshole as its spokesperson is beyond me.

Flash! A-ah! He’ll Save Every One of Us

The guy who directed Night at the Museum, Shawn Levy, is going to direct The Flash. Levy takes over for David Goyer who co-wrote Batman Begins. According to Goyer:

Well, I’ve been waiting a few months to relate this news — but I am sad to say that my version of The Flash is dead at WB. The God’s honest truth is that WB and myself simply couldn’t agree on what would make for a cool Flash film. I’m quite proud of the screenplay I turned in. I threw my heart into it and I genuinely think it would’ve been the basis of a ground-breaking film. But as of now, the studio is heading off in a completely different direction. I expect you’ll hear of some new developments on that front shortly.

He goes on to explain a little bit more about what his vision of The Flash would have entailed:

To be honest, when WB first approached me about doing The Flash, it seemed a little too good to be true. A part of me thought they’d never really make a movie like that. For the record, the script did involve both Barry and Wally as The Flash. I wanted to showcase the legacy aspect of the hero — as that was something that hadn’t been explored yet in film. Like Batman Begins, the script drew on some seminal comicbook runs (Mike Baron, Mark Waid, Geoff Johns).

Man! Barry and Wally! That would have been sweet! It sounds like the WB wants to go a bit lighter with The Flash than they did with Batman Begins or Superman Returns so the choice of Levy kind of makes sense. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

Optimus Has a Big Ass Head

hasbro_helmet.jpgDespite my best efforts, I can’t avoid seeing the new bots. Every where I click, I see bots upon bots. I’ve seen everything from prodcution CG to toy photos. I’ve heard some truly aweful Optimus quotes (those were the winners?). Hell, even CNN is covering the stupid thing.

This is the Optimus voice changer helmet which will hit stores in June and retail for $29.99. My initial thought is that it would be really funny to get this Optimus helmet and a Darth Vader voice changer helmet and start a nerdcore rap group. YouTube stardom is just around the corner!

Shit! That’s a brilliant idea! If any of you get around to it before I do, please, send me some video.

Indy IV, Speed Racer, Iron Man, and Narnia Rule May 2008

May 22, 2008 will see the return of Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones in the “Fourth Installment of the Indiana Jones Adventures.” With Speed Racer scheduled for the same weekend, Iron Man dropping May 2, and The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian dropping May 16, May 2008 is going to be one of those HUGE blockbuster months.

Having seen no previews or production work or anything else, I’m going to go ahead and declair Iron Man the winner with Narnia a very close second. Indy IV has the nostalgia factor and a huge director along with it, but I suspect that Indy’s time is no longer. It’s going to do very well, but not as well as they expect. Speed Racer will suck and manage to disappoint both Speed Racer fans and car fans alike. I’m picking Iron Man over Narnia because although Narnia will attract a lot of religious folks, Iron Man has a lot of star power. Seems to me that big names drive big ticket sales, at least for opening weekends. I think we’ll see Iron Man destroy the rest opening weekend. Whether or not it has staying power is dependent on the quality of the film.

If I had to pick one to go see, I’d have to pick Iron Man. I’m a big mech fan and I’ve always seen Iron Man as our version of Mobile Suit Gundam. Well, not really. I mean, Tony Stark isn’t exactly fighting an epic war to enslave space colonies (ZIEG ZION!), but he’s in a shiny robot suit. It’s like a small mobile suit. Kinda.

Wonder Woman Officially Sucks!

Joss Whedon has left Wonder Woman citing creative differences. From the fansite Whedonesque:

You (hopefully) heard it here first: I’m no longer slated to make Wonder Woman. What? But how? My chest… so tight! Okay, stay calm and I’ll explain as best I can. It’s pretty complicated, so bear with me. I had a take on the film that, well, nobody liked. Hey, not that complicated.

Let me stress first that everybody at the studio and Silver Pictures were cool and professional. We just saw different movies, and at the price range this kind of movie hangs in, that’s never gonna work. Non-sympatico. It happens all the time. I don’t think any of us expected it to this time, but it did. Everybody knows how long I was taking, what a struggle that script was, and though I felt good about what I was coming up with, it was never gonna be a simple slam-dunk. I like to think it rolled around the rim a little bit, but others may have differing views.

The worst thing that can happen in this scenario is that the studio just keeps hammering out changes and the writer falls into a horrible limbo of development. These guys had the clarity and grace to skip that part. So I’m a free man.

Well, sorta. There is that “Goners” movie I can finally finish polishing, and plenty of other things in the hopper I’ve wanted to pursue. I’m as relieved as I am disappointed, and both of those things lead to drink, so that’s a plus. Truly, you may be hearing some interesting things brewing in the coming months. But all potential jets therein will be visible.

But most importantly, I never have to answer THAT question again!!!! And you don’t have to link to every rumor site! Finally and forever: I never had an actress picked out, or even a consistant front-runner. I didn’t have time to waste on casting when I was so busy air-balling on the script. (No! Rim! There was rim!) That’s the greatest relief of all. I can do interviews again!

Thanks for your time. You are the people who make the world go ’round. Or, no, science does that.

-j.

ps All right, it was Cobie Smulders. Sorry, Cobes.

FIE AND DAMNATION! I am no longer interested in ever, EEEEEVER, seeing this movie! I love Joss Whedons characters and dialog. I’ve been quite impressed with his Astonishing X-Men run and he’s always had a knack for writing really strong and compelling women. This is so disheartening. They’ll probably go with the geniuses who made that Catwoman flick or something like that. Bleh. No good can come of this.

Who You Gonna Call?

Some high-price CG studio!

Okay, so it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like “Ghostbusters!” But according to Dan Aykroyd, they’re going to need some artists for the third Ghostbusters film. In a recent interview with some Country music station, Aykroyd confirmed that the third Ghostbusters will be CG. He also said that Bill Murray has agreed to voice his character, which might be the only reason to even rent this thing.

Once again, I think this is a bit late. A lot late. Couple that with the CG treatment and you’ve got a big steaming pile of ectoplasmic runny shit. Busting, at one time, did indeed make me feel good. But no more. Leave this one in the trap.

Barbarella Rides Again

Legendary producer Dino De Laurentiis is bringing sexy back with an updated version of his cult classic, Barbarella. This won’t be a remake nor a sequel but a completely new Barbarella with “love, sex, adventure.” Let the speculation begin!

This could go one of two ways, sexploitation or badass chick. The sexploitation route could be interesting in this day and age. Never before has pop culture been so overly sexualized. A sexploitive Barbarella could be seen as the ultimate expression of today’s pop culture gone wild, a defiant expression that sex can be fun and adventurous and empowering.

The badass chick route would lump the Barbarella with Aeon Flux, Ultraviolet, Resident Evil, and a whole host of other movies featuring hot chicks kicking the shit out of everyone. Ever since Ripley strapped on that exo-loader to go one-on-one with that great big evil bitch of an alien, women have been kicking it like Bruce Lee on the big screen. Adding Barbarella to that legacy could be quite fun.

I would like to see how far De Laurentiis will take his new Babs. Will she push the status quo taking sexploitation to its ultimate end? Will she be a indomitable warrior chick cutting a path for sexy and empowered women? Or will this just stink like poopy diapers.

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