Movies

X-Men: Apocalypse Scheduled for 2016

apocalypse

In a classic counting-their-x-chickens-before-they-hatch move, Bryan Singer announced that the next film in the franchise will be called X-Men: Apocalypse.  In my mins, the implication is that Days of Future Past will lead into a movie version of Age of Apocalypse.

I quite liked the first Age of Apocalypse series.  It featured one of my favorite artists at the time, Joe Madureira.  I loved all of his designs for the alternate universe versions of the characters.  It was a fun universe to explore and a pretty good X-Crossover.

Though I am a fan of Age of Apocalypse, I’m not too sure about a movie.  My opinion will hinge on Days of Future Past and whether or not it will really just be another Wolverine film, as I’ve complained about in a previous post.  If the ensemble is handled well, I think there would be hope for an Apocalypse film.

Soooooo I’m kind of in wait-and-see mode.

Incidentally, I recently designed a shirt that is a Pacific Rim reference but also happens to feature Apocalypse!

shirt_yellowperil_appocalypsecanceled_1024x1024

You can pick it up at my Shark Robot shop and maybe wear it to Days of Future Past just in case it really sucks and we have to stop FOX from making more X movies.

From: Coming Soon

The Iron Rhino

Was one of the first to shit on the idea of a Spider-Man movie reboot.  But I quite liked The Amazing Spider-Man.  Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone had great chemistry and I love that the mystery of Peter’s parents was brought into the origin.  The trailer for The Amazing Spider-Man 2 is out and it’s full of… well, it’s full of a lot of things going on.

Dane DeHann joins the cast as Harry Osborne and already I like him.  He’s got great villainy within.  I think he’ll be fun to watch turn on Peter.  I was surprised at how little of Jamie Foxx we get in this trailer.  In fact, we don’t see his face until the end of the thing.  I haven’t been paying attention to any of the announcements so I was surprised to see an Iron Rhino stomping around Manhattan.  We also see Doc Oc’s arms and Vulture’s wings in that one vault scene.  Combine all that with the Osbornes and it seems like we’re heading for a Sinister Six.

But what I’m most interested in learning is how all this ties in with Peter’s parents.  It really seems like they set Peter up to become Spider-Man as sort of their way of atoning for the evils that they did at Oscorp.  Just speculation on my part, but it’s an interesting idea to think that Peter was destined to become Spider-Man as a sort of salvation for his parents.  That’s really the hook that got me interested in seeing the first one and I’m so glad to see them flesh it out.

The Amazing Spider-Man 2 drop the first weekend in May to coincide with Free Comic Book Day.  It should be a blast!

We Got Us a Fast and Furious Woman of Wonders

Kamen Rider Wonder Woman

Kamen Rider Wonder Woman

Whether or not it’s been in the works all the while, it seems that Warner Bros is finally giving us a live action Wonder Woman.  Sort of.

Gal Gadot will be gearing up with magic lasso and gold bracers when she joins Ben Affleck and Henry Cavill in Batman vs. Superman as Wonder Woman.  The only thing I’ve seen her in is the Fast and Furious series.  I thought she was a great addition to the cast and was pretty badass driving like a monster and shooting like a pro.  I think she can handle action scenes very well and it’ll be great to see her portray Wondy.

But honestly, I wish she had her own film.  I don’t really think there’s room for her in this Superman/Batman thing.  Bats and Supes have had individual movies so we know their filmatic origins and we’ve spent some decent amount of screen time with them.  We haven’t met Wondy in film yet so unless this film is Wonder Woman’s origin story, I have a bad feeling that she’s going to be a sidekick to our two super bros.  Unless the titles changes to Batman vs. Superman vs. Wonder Woman, I’m a little worried.

Still, I like Gadot as Wonder Woman just fine.  And it might end up being a Tom Hiddleston thing where she steals all the scenes she’s in and becomes the cult star of the film.  That’s what I’m hoping for.

From: Coming Soon

The Machine Breathes New Life Into Our Eventual Destruction

It may be that my brain meats have been shaped by science fiction more than science fact, but I truly believe that there will come a day when machines wise up and try to end us.  It would seem that writer and director Caradog W. James agrees and adds The Machine to a long list of movies warning us of the dangers of artificial intelligence becoming too smart.

Britain is in a Cold War with a new enemy, the Ministry of Defense is on the brink of developing a game-changing weapon. Lead scientist Vincent McCarthy (Toby Stephens) provides the answer with his creation, ‘The Machine’- an android with unrivalled physical and processing skills. When a programming glitch causes an early prototype to destroy his lab, McCarthy enlists artificial intelligence expert Ava (Caity Lotz) to help him harness the full potential of a truly conscious fighting machine.

I love the noir feel of the trailer that mixes the best parts of Blade Runner and the original Terminator.  Caity Lotz is incredibly creepy as the machine.  Those contacts and that voice will give me nightmares for ages.

As good as this looks, the one thing that stands out to me more and more with the sci fi movies these days is that our future seems to be devoid of minorities.  Clearly, this must be an alternative reality because in the really real world, the population is just getting more and more diverse.  Granted, this film takes place in Britain which has never touted it’s diversity as much as we have here in the good ol’ U-Melting-Pot-S-of-A.  But my impression is that in general, the world is trending towards more diversity, not less.

Still, it looks like an interesting take on a familiar theme.  And it’s certainly better than the last Terminator flick.  Bleh.

The film drops March 2014.  Check the facebook page for more info.

Dear FOX, PLEASE STOP MAKING WOLVERINE MOVIES

Mmmmmm... veins...

Mmmmmm… veins…

The Wolverine came out on blu-ray this week and I finally had a chance to watch it.  And it was good.  Certainly better than Origins.  Certainly better than X-3.  And I suppose if it was the first or second Wolverine flick, it would be pretty awesome.  But it’s the fifth fucking Wolverine movie.  And though no one can argue with Hugh Jackman’s on screen presence as our favorite claw poppin’ Canuck, I’m kind of done with Wolverine.

The Best At Being Overexposed

I realize that I’m going to sound like one of those comic book guy, douchebags.  But fuck it.  What they’ve done to Wolverine is a travesty.

When Wolverine joined the X-Men in Giant Sized X-Men #1 became an instant fan favorite.  He was a short, disgruntled, cigar smoking anti-hero with a bad attitude and razor fist claws.  He never played well with others which made him the loner of the group, a seeming outcast on a team of outcasts.  Yet, when it came time to tussle with evil mutants or giant Sentinels, he was the first on the scene to fight for justice.

His past was shrouded in mystery which only served to heighten fan interest.  If the internet had been around then, I’m sure the forums and message boards would have been filled with fan speculation about where he came from, how he got his claws, how his powers worked.

He was bad enough to be edgy but good enough to take younger mutants like Kitty Pryde under his wing.  Sorta like the grizzled uncle who you can always rely on even when he’s getting into bar fights and drinking to dull his pain.

Wolverine continued to be a staple of all the X titles throughout the 80’s and 90’s.  But somehow, I never felt like it was too much.  He still had that edge to him, that air of mystery.  Even when Magneto sucked the adamantium out of his body and we had years of bone claws, Wolverine was still the best at what he did, punching fools with claws.

And then, Origin.

Good. Fucking. Lord.

Of all the dumb shit stunts comics have pulled to cash in, none has destroyed a character as much as Origin.  Logan’s inability to remember much about his past or how he got his adamantium gave him pathos.  After all, the search for self is one of our strongest, inner most struggles.  Sure, we may know where we were born and our personal history, but the search for our essential selves defines us.  Logan’s journey to fill that hole left by his lost memories made him infinitely relate-able on a very deep and personal level.  It elevated the myth of the Wolverine.

Annnnnd now we know he was a whiny little brat.  Yay. Brafuckingvo. I really needed to know that he was the product of an illicit affair between a red head and a farm hand.  Oh, but it explains his fascination with Jean? I DON’T FUCKING CARE!  I KNOW WHY HE’S FASCINATED WITH JEAN!  BECAUSE CHEMISTRY AND SEX AND THE BIRDS AND FUCKING BEES!!  GAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAA!!!!!!!!  Fuck!

It destroyed all the mystery, all the myth, all the questioning, and ultimately proved to be a horribly unsatisfying experience.  And that’s when the most dangerous mutant in comics became safe and boring and overexposed.  He joined the Avengers, he got a cartoon, he grew taller, he started a school. Good ol’ unca Logan-sempai and his universe of young eager mutant kohai.  Blehhhh.  Which brings me to the movies.

Wolverine Featuring X-Men, Wolverine 2, Wolverine: The Last Stand, Wolverine: Origins, Wolverine Goes to Japan

Every X-Men movie except for First Class has been about Wolverine:

  • X-Men. Wolverine joins the team to stop Magneto.
  • X2.  A man from Logan’s past returns to destroy mutant kind and it’s up to Wolverine to stop him.
  • X-Men: Last Stand.  Wolverine leads the X-Men to defeat Jean.
  • X-Men Origins: Wolverine. A retelling of Login’s origin mixing in bits from the Origin comic and shit. Big stinky piles of shit.
  • The Wolverine. Wolverine goes to Japan because Silver Samurai.

Apparently, Wolverine puts asses in seats.  I think only James Bond has made more film appearances and even then, the titular character has been played by multiple actors.  Although, I think Roger Moore was Bond seven times compared to Hugh Jackman’s five times as Wolverine.  Six if you count his First Class cameo.  And now seven when we count Days of Future Wolverine.

Anyway, that’s a whole lot of Wolverine.  And I’m kind of done with him.  This latest film featured the most savage and brutal Wolverine that we’ve ever seen on screen.  Honestly?  It was boring.  Ohhhh, but his healing factor is slowed?  Was there ever really the possibility of him dying?  Not really.  Since we see him running around punching things with razor claws while his stomach is bleeding out, it didn’t really seem like his slowed healing factor didn’t seem to be a problem.  The stakes weren’t there.  So if he’s not going to die, where’s the tension?  Mariko’s in danger.  Ummm… she kinda killed a dude with a room key.  She’s doing fine.

Seeing Wolverine doing what he does best should never be boring.  I should never roll my eyes when the claws pop and he punches dudes.  Yet I found myself looking for other things to do as Logan sliced things.  There’s nothing special about him anymore.

Wolverine: Days of Logan Past

That’s what worries me about Days of Future Snikt.  Instead of Kitty going back to warn the X-Men, we have Logan which makes this the sixth Wolverine film.  I don’t think I can sit through another one.  Certainly, there will be other mutants peppered throughout the thing to entice my nerd sensibilities.  But if the main focus is Logan as it was in the previous X-films, I think it’s going to be a big disappointment.

The FOX X-Franchise has proven that it doesn’t do ensemble casts well.  While I felt everyone got their chance to shine in Avengers, the X-Films (except First Class) have starred Wolverine featuring other mutants.  Days of Logan Past promises an extensive lineup of mutants.  Maybe too many.  I worry that we’ll only get snippets of the others while Logan remains our one constant thread.

I think less Wolverine would make more of an impact.  Keep the claws in until the very end of the movie.  Keep him in the background until he really needs to be there.  Let the ensemble shine.

So please, FOX, for the love of admantium claws, stop making Wolverine movies and make us a right and proper X-Film.  You did a pretty good job with First Class.  I’m hoping you can do the same with Days of Future Past.

The Hungry Games: Catching Fur

The Hungry Games: Catching Fur!

Join Cookiness Evereat, Finnicky, Tick Tock Lady, and Pita as they attempt to survive the battle arena in the 75 Hungry Games Quarter Quell. Yes, I read the books and shit.

This is an adorable parody of something that should be kind of sickening.  The Hunger Games was pretty entertaining, but it didn’t quite translate the absolute horror of the entire situation as well as the books did.  I think Battle Royale did a much better job making you feel the absurd terror of kids forced to kill each other.  But I did enjoy the first film.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire opens this weekend!

Clean Up Crew of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Pick up the pieces. Uh huh.  Pick up the pieces. Oh yeah.

Pick up the pieces. Uh huh. Pick up the pieces. Oh yeah.

The Well” was promoted as the AMAZEBALLS Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. crossover event with Thor: The Dark World.  Does it pay off?

Well, we do get to spend some brief time on a set from the movie that was featured in maybe a half a scene.  And there is an Asgardian. But if you were expecting guest stars from the movie making cameo appearances or any encounters with Dark Elves, you’d be sadly disappointed.  This episode was meant to give us a reason to connect with Ward.

We open with Team Coulson cleaning up after Thor’s mess.  They’re looking for any alien tech that might get out to the public.  And thus ends the crossover and out time on a movie set.

Meanwhile, some neo-pagans find part of an Asgardian staff embedded in an old Norwegian wood and get rage powers.  So we’re on an artifact hunt to look for something that wasn’t actually in the movie at all.  Why bother saying this shit is a crossover?

The artifacts is one third of the Berzerker Staff which instantly made me think of this:

It was left here ages ago when an Asgardian decided to stay on earth after a big battle.  The Berzerker Staff unlocks the rage within any who touch it while giving them super strength.  The warrior thought the staff to be too dangerous so he broke it into three pieces and hid it.

Team Coulson consults with some professor guy who turns out to be the Asgardian warrior who really turns out to be an Asgardian mason and I kinda just don’t care anymore.  Ward touches the second piece of the staff and he remembers the time when he chucked a kid down a well and wanted to save him but his brother wouldn’t let him or his brother got chucked in a well or something or some well with Samara who isn’t your daughter and if you don’t make copies of the vhs she’ll kill you from the tv… man, I’m really just not connecting with this episode.  Even when he’s rage face, Grant Ward is just boring.  Certainly, he’s got the build.  We get some nice shirtless-o-clock time with him.  He can be a male model.  But he can’t carry this episode.

So Ward now has rage powers.  The physical strength will wear off in a matter of hours.  But the pit of rage, the thing that the staff forced him to face, will be there for decades.  This makes Ward a ticking time bomb.  The funniest shit to me is that when Melinda May touches the staff, it’s no biggie.  Yes, she sees shit, but she sees it every day.  Much like Bruce Banner is angry all the time, Melinda May is seething hate always.  But because she’s so badass, she keeps it in check.  It actually makes her more frightening than any of them.

The only other thing that’s significant is Coulson’s dream.  He’s getting a massage in Tahini and he feels truly relaxed.  He remarks to the masseuse, “Tahiti’s too good to be true.”

She relies, “I know. It’s a magical place.”

Coulson wakes up in a pool of sweat.

Only two more episodes to find out what the fuck it all means!

My friend Marty asked me to tell him when this show became MUST SEE.  We’re not even close.  And we’ve only got two episodes to make geeks give a shit again.  I’d be surprised as hell if this gets picked up for a second season, but if it does, man, they really gotta do something with Ward and Skye.  Make them villains or something.

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