What’s the best way to calm irate fans who are pissed off at your for pushing back Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince to next year? Tell them it’ll be worth the wait. At least that’s how Warner Brothers Chief Operating Officer Alan Horn is handling things. Observe:

Many of you have written to me to express your disappointment in our moving “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” to Summer 2009.

Please be assured that we share your love for Harry Potter and would certainly never do anything to hurt any of the films. Over the past 10 years, we have nurtured and protected each film, and the integrity of the books upon which they are based, to the best of our ability.

The decision to move “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” was not taken lightly, and was never intended to upset our Harry Potter fans. We know you have built this series into what it is, and we thank you for your ongoing enthusiasm and support.

If I may offer a silver lining: there would have been a two-year gap between “Half-Blood Prince” and the much-anticipated first part of “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows,” which opens in November 2010.

So although we have to wait a little longer for “Half-Blood Prince,” the wait from that film until “Deathly Hallows” will be less than 18 months. I am sorry to have disappointed you now, but if you hold on a little longer, I believe it will be worth the wait.

Alan Horn
President, Chief Operating Officer
Warner Bros.

Hm… If you will, allow me to retort. What do Harry Potter fans look like? Do we look like a bitch? DO WE LOOK LIKE A BITCH? Then why’d you try to fuck us like a bitch, Alan? You did! Yes you did!

Way to add fuel to the fire, Alan. “It’ll be worth the wait” isn’t the kind of explanation that will mollify the hoards of fans screaming for blood. The worst part? There are probably no consequences for Alan. He’s not going to get fired. He’s not even going to get invited to take an extended leave of absence. Because in the end, mad droves of Harry Potter fans will see Half Blood Prince no matter when it’s released. It’ll be the gigantic box office smash that WB wants and Alan can just sit back with a shit eating “I told you so” grin on his face. ARGH!

[Via Coming Soon]

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MGM has hired Stiles White and Juliet Snowden to write a remake of Poltergeist. No director is yet attached to the project and I hope it stays that way. It’s not often that you have a horror movie franchise that is itself cursed. Dominique Dunne was strangled to death by her ex boyfriend shortly after the release of the first film. Julian Beck died of stomach cancer during the filming of the second film. Will Sampson died of complications during heart surgery a year after the second was released. He even tried to bless the sets and locations during filming to fend off evil spirits. Heather Michele O’Rourke died of illness during the filming of the third film.

I’d say that’s half a hint for your ass that the first film was just fine.

Seriously, besides the fact that I think remakes are just plain lazy, leave this one the fuck alone. Poltergeist doesn’t want any sequels and you can be damn sure it won’t like a remake. Please, there’s enough scary shit out there to write a perfectly new and equally bat shit scary movie without digging up old ones.

[Via Variety]

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Remember that sweet Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince trailer? Here it is again, just in case.

Fucking on, right!

Well, I’m sad to report that that’s all you get until next fucking summer! Instead of dropping this November, Warner Brothers has decided to push back the release of next Harry Potter flick to next July. Why? And I quote WB president Alan Horn:

Our reasons for shifting “Half-Blood Prince” to summer are twofold: we know the summer season is an ideal window for a family tent pole release, as proven by the success of our last Harry Potter film, which is the second-highest grossing film in the franchise, behind only the first installment. Additionally, like every other studio, we are still feeling the repercussions of the writers’ strike, which impacted the readiness of scripts for other films–changing the competitive landscape for 2009 and offering new windows of opportunity that we wanted to take advantage of. We agreed the best strategy was to move ‘Half-Blood Prince’ to July, where it perfectly fills the gap for a major tent pole release for mid-summer.

What? Hello! You’re sitting on only the most popular fantasy series ever! Of course it’s going to be a fucking hit you fucking dolt! It’s HARRY THE FUCK POTTER! Dumb fucking fuck all!

Sounds like they have no confidence in next summer’s slate. There’s no way they can possibly duplicate the financial success of Dark Knight save a Harry Potter flick. Harry Potter won’t do as well as Dark Knight, but it will bring in a fuck ton of money. And if summer 2009 is looking thin because of the strike, I guess it makes sense to stick a guaranteed money cow right in the middle.

Well fuck. I guess all there is to look forward to to finish out this year is Saw V.

[Via Aint it Cool News]

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“Ninja? I didn’t know we had a ninja.”

More spy footage.

I like the new style of animation. And I’m a big fan of everything Warren Ellis writes. This is a trailer for G.I. Joe Resolute, an animated feature written by Warren Ellis that, if this trailer is any indication, is full of the win. I like how the little Vipers are using P90s (I think those are P90s. My gunfu is weak) and are shooting bullets instead of harmless lasers. And everything is better with Snake Eyes. I am looking forward to this much more than the live action movie.

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Angry Zen Minion Kevin Bahrt found this awesome mashup of all the movie incarnations of Batman. Well, except for Adam West.

Clearly, I think Christian Bale’s Batman kicks all other square in the teeth. Keaton’s Batman just doesn’t hold up. And although Val and George were decent enough as Bruce Wayne, their Batmen left a lot to be desired. However, Christian’s Batman voice still makes me chuckle.

So, including all movie and television incarnations, who is your favorite Batman?

[Via Filmonic]

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The latest round of Star Trek 2009 posters are less recognizable than the first. I had no problem recognizing Spock, Kirk, Ohura, and random evil Romulan guy. Thankfully, the interwebs tell all. That’s John Cho as Sulu, Simon Pegg as Scotty, Karl Urban as McCoy, and Anton Yelchin as Chekov. Urban’s expression reads “Get that fucking camera out of my face” which is actually spot on for McCoy. Simon Pegg as Scotty just makes me laugh. I would love to see how he plays it. I won’t complain about a Korean cast as a Japanese because I’m happy to see John Cho get more work. And I have no idea who Anton Yelchin is.

I think you either get really excited about cast photos or don’t care. I’m kind of in the don’t care crowd, at least for this movie. Sure, the posters look pretty and I like the retro feel of them. But I think I’ll have to see some trailers and a little more about the story before I make up my mind.

What do you Trekkies out there think? And please, let’s not get into the whole Trekkie vs. Trekker thing.

[Via TrekMovie.com]

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This is the finale of the first ten part Italian Spiderman movie. You can catch the whole ten part series at their YouTube channel.

I was completely duped when I saw the trailer. Turns out that Italian Spiderman is a modern day parody filmed to look like those wonderful exploitation films of the 60s and 70s. As low budget as it is, I would have paid good damn money to see this in the theater had I known Spider-Man 3 would be so awful. Can’t wait for part 2 of Italian Spiderman. Nothing beats a giant luchadore vs a pudgy Spiderman!

[Via Alrugo and Cool Aggregator]

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AZM Ally Keith Hayward sent along this little gem of awesome. This is Brad Neely’s unauthorized re-envisioning of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone entitled Wizard People. Apparently, it premiered at New York’s Underground Film Festival. It’s a little strange at first, but it gets really good when we get to the Quidditch match.

And I quote!

I am a beautiful animal!
I am a destroyer of worlds!
I am Harry fucking Potter!

And, dear reader, at last, the world was quiet.

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No.

He can’t.

Blame Angry Zen Minion Kevin Bahrt for digging this one up.

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Picture via /Film

Thanks to AZM Ally Mike Dent for the news that there is, in fact, a Goonies 2 in the works starring the original cast.

I imagine the meeting went something like this.

Bob, a downtrodden junior studio executive, walks into Dick’s office, his demanding boss. Dick has been hounding Bob for new movie ideas to fill up the 2009 slate and Bob is at his wits end.

Dick, “So, Bob. What have you got for me?”

Bob, “Well… to tell you the truth–”

“Look, you sad sack of day old whale sperm! I’m not interested in excuses! I want results! Now I’ve asked you pitch some ideas to finish out our 2009 slate and all I’ve heard is excuses! I want a pitch and I want it fucking now or you’re fucking out of here!”

In a panic, Bob searches the dark places of his brain for any remotely filmable idea. The Small Wonder adaptation that his friends always joked about, the Showgirls prequel that he thinks of when he gets lazy thinking of things to masturbate to, the Uwe Boll Story that his nephew pitched to him in a haze of pot smoke. Suddenly, an image from the Corey Feldman softcore porn he watched in a drunken haze last night flashes in his mind and without thinking, he blurts out, “GOONIES 2!”

Bob’s eyes flash.

“Goonies? 2?”

“Well… um… it’s just a… ah… concept. I mean, we could–”

“Goonies fucking 2?”

Dick menacing face inches closer to Bob. Suddenly, Dick throws a triumphant fist in the air.

“Goonies fuck 2! That’s fucking brilliant! You’re fucking brilliant! That’s what I’m talking about, Bob! That’s what I want! Real innovation. Fucking genius!”

“I, um… huh? Are you serious?”

“I’ve never been more serious! We’ll get right on it!”

“Uh, okay. I think.”

And with that, Bob leaves Dick’s office resigned to the fact that his weakness will result in the butchering of one of his favorite childhood movies. Bob trudges off head hung low to the local bar for what promises to be a night of drowning his sorrows in debaucherous stupor.

[Via Heckler Spray]

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